Monday, April 5, 1999
Baseball Season Either "Opens" Or Will "Open" Soon

Apparently the so-called "baseball season" is about to begin, or has already begun. Whichever.

Baseball is, apparently, a game or something.

"Yes," said baseball CEO, Joe Baseball, "the so-called 'baseball season' is definitely about to begin or has already begun. Whichever."

According to many so-called experts, this year's so-called "baseball season" will apparently consist of a buncha games.

"Each game," said Baseball, "will consist of two teams who will try to get a higher score than the other team, even though it doesn't really matter. The team that gets bought by the richest person before the game ends, is the winner."

However, according to the rules of baseball, if neither team is bought by one of the ten richest men alive before the game ends, then the team whose fans throw the most rolls of toilet paper onto the field before the game ends, is the winner.

"However," said Baseball, "we have added some new rules this year to help speed up the game and make it more exciting."

One of the new rules states that if no fans show up for a game, or if the few fans who do show up are too drunk or stoned or angel dusted or have been doing too much heroin or crystal meth, or are all on peyote or psilocybin or DMT or mescaline or 'shrooms or whatever and are therefore too, you know, "busy" to even think about throwing rolls of toilet paper out onto the field, then whichever team trades the most high-priced, high-profile player before the game ends, wins, provided that player receives the highest salary in the history of baseball.

Another new rule of the game is that the traditional "Golden Glove" award, traditionally awarded to the player who gets paid a lot but can't field worth shit because his glove is, like, all weighted down with gold, will be replaced this year by the Golden Shower Award, which goes to the unheralded men behind the scenes who do such a professional, unselfish job of running a pipe directly from the urinals to the shower heads in the clubhouse just before the end of the game, when the players come streaming in all full-bladdered and sweaty, in that order.

At the end of the so-called "baseball season," a big fund-raiser is held called either the World Series or the Academy Awards, where the general managers all come and bitterly give their unused Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speeches.

The so-called game of baseball is played with a round, white, microprocessor-based object called a "baseball" which is manufactured by child-labor in the Dominican Republic and controlled over the internet by New York Mayor Rudy Juliani.

"This year's baseball will sport a 450 MHz AMD K6-III processor," said Baseball, "so when attendance starts to lag, it can easily be re-programmed right from the Governor's Mansion, till somebody hits 80 home runs and advertising revenues return to record levels.

Philanthropist Gives Money

World famous philanthropist, Rebecca Sunnybrook, announced today that she'd be giving $11 billion to found a new university in Cambridge, Massachusetts, which will be "totally dedicated to doing exactly what its name implies."

The new university will be called MIT, the Massachusetts Incinerator of Technology.

"My new university, as its name implies, will really be like one big incinerator," said Sunnybrook, "where people will send their technology rather than their offspring, or both, if they want. Who's counting."

According to Sunnybrook, once the technology arrives at MIT, their staff of highly-paid, world-renowned astrophysics professors will take it and stuff it into the big MIT incinerator, specially designed for MIT by Enrico Fermi or Ennio Morricone (whichever). Then MIT post-docs will tell MIT doctoral candidates to turn it on.

Top undergraduate students from around the world will apparently be recruited to tongue the incinerator clean after each new round of technology.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC