Monday, April 7, 1997
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AOL Will Refund Actual Life

AOL, CA - (April 7) - In a ground-breaking decision, America OnLine president, Steve Case, announced today that AOL would now start refunding the actual years of life that users have wasted starving hysterical naked on his fucking online service, AOL.

"I regret very deeply," said Case, "That we may have accidentally destroyed the best minds of many of our users' generation and left them kinda dragging themselves through negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry fix. And I realize that the only way to make this up to them is not with money or credits or freebies, but with actual, real, chemical, biological time, like where we return your blood, skin, brain cells, etc. back to where they were, say, a year ago, before you started using our fucking service."

Case also said he was anxious to get his fucking online service back on track so he could "devote more time to developing personal online content aimed at the angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night."

"This is a coming demographic," he said. "I can feel it. And I wanna be ready with the interactive content that'll keep these people in poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high, sitting up and smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats, 'doating across the tops of cities, contemplating Net Finder."

Let 'Em Eat Javascript

A recent survey done by The Walter Cronkbot Organization found that Americans aren't really suffering from Information Overload, as many creepy, goofball, Wired, blowjob futurists incessantly claim on right-wing, low-brow, cable networks like the Fox News Channel.

Rather, the survey states, "People are really suffering from Information Underwhelm. That is, having bared their brains to Heaven under the El and seen Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated, they are simply underwhelmed by the quality, scope, and the very nature of the information content they receive via, you know, TV or Suck."

Though the survey made no specific recommendations as to how to correct this situation, there was the subtle suggestion that maybe if we took all those people who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war, and expelled them from the academies for crazy and publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull, then maybe we'd see a long-term upturn in the long bond or pork belly futures, or something.

Microsoft Buys Web-TV -- Will Launch All-lesbian Channel

Bill Gates, apparently wishing to no longer be numbered among the people who cower in unshaven rooms in underwear, burning their money in wastebaskets and listening to the Terror through the wall, announced today that he would purchase Web TV from former assistant attorney general, or whatever, Webb Hubbell, for $425 million dollars. Hubbell, who also invented the Hubbell Telescope and, like any good lawyer, billed his clients for hours of the day that didn't even exist, was recently busted in his pubic beards returning through Laredo with a belt of Marijuana for New York.

Though many analysts consider the purchase of Web TV kinda dumb since the only real web content is still the written word, and reading text on a TV sucks, Gates' response to the criticism was soft, yet pointed. "Tell the end users to go fuck themselves," said the Microsoft chairman, "Let 'em eat 5 fps streaming video."

Gates did add, however, that after eating fire in paint hotels and drinking turpentine in Paradise Alley, and having purgatoried his torso night after night, he has prepared "a whole new programming lineup for Web TV which will feature lots of cool new exciting new fun neat new cool new content filled with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls..."

CEO comments adapted from Howl copyright probably Allen Ginsburg or New Directions or whoever, around 1952 or so. Maybe earlier.

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