Tuesday, April 8, 1997
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Science & Technology
Orgasm Pill Definitely Causes Obesity Virus

Bethesda, MD, - ( April 8 ) - In a survey conducted by the US Food and Gun Administration, or the US Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco, Food, Guns, and Sex, it was recently discovered that the newly invented orgasm pill is definitely responsible for the newly discovered virus that causes obesity.

According to Dr. Rebecca Kramer, a researcher at Grupo de Norepinephrine Labs, who recently discovered that a tab of acid a day prevents heart attacks, "Uhh, what was the question again."

She then went on to tell us the story about how she accidentally discovered that a tab of acid a day prevents heart attacks.

Only 50% Of People With Obesity Virus Will Use Orgasm Pill

According to a survey conducted by the Acme Survey Company, only 50% of people with the obesity virus are interested in taking the orgasm pill.

However, Jack Stefanovich, president of AAA Survey Company, said the Acme results were utterly bogus and fucked-up and, generally, were just one big Wired-style blow job on the industry.

"Sure," Stefanovich said, "There are a people with the obesity virus who don't wanna take the orgasm pill -- just like there are people who still read Suck -- but it all depends on how you ask the question. In our survey, we found that 98% of the people questioned, said they would have absolutely no qualms whatsoever about telling their exact clone to take the orgasm pill if, in fact, their exact clone had the obesity virus. And 90% said they'd tell their exact clone to take the orgasm pill, even if it didn't have the motherfucking obesity virus."

But in a late breaking development, in a private meeting which followed the conference, representatives of AAA Survey Company, ABC Survey Company, American Survey Company, and Joe's Survey and Pizza, apparently made concessions on a formal resolution which would declare at least a temporary moratorium in the current impasse over the status of an impartial panel which will ultimately adjudicate the question of whether or not any issues may have been, however slightly, misconstrued by the previous commission, impaneled to decide the disposition of whatever the fuck the prior situation was.

Astronauts Run Out of Drugs, Land Early

The space shuttle Columbia, today, cut short its mission to install laser-guided nuclear missiles in outer space, when the crew discovered they were just about out of dope.

Apparently there was enough for the first few bong loads, but then, last night, when the crew was just about to get loaded and do a Rocky Horror number on the WTBS Evening Movie comin' off the Turner Satellite just a few feet away, they suddenly discovered the shuttle stash was dry. Apparently somebody had stupidly only packed a 2-day supply instead of a 2-month supply.

So this morning, a bit discouraged, they popped all their orgasm pills and brought the shuttle back to earth, generally philosophical about it all, but still a little bummed that, you know, they didn't get to see the landing stoned.

Study Shows LSD Prevents Heart Attacks

A study performed by Dr. Rebecca Kramer of Grupo de Norepinephrine Labs, proves conclusively that a daily dosage of 800 micrograms of Lysergic Acid Di-ethylawhatever, prevents either heart attacks or maybe cancer, or maybe both, but not both at the same time.

"But if you take an aspirin a day," said Kramer, "That'll prevent heart attacks, and if you drink it down with a glass of red wine, that'll prevent cancer and, at that point, it doesn't really matter which one the LSD doesn't prevent. So you can take it everyday with complete confidence."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F