Friday, April 9, 1999
Mass Murderer Wins Lottery Will Start $299 PC Company

MATTAPAN, MA - (Apr 9) - A fugitive mass murderer of unknown identity and whereabouts has apparently won the Massachusetts State Lottery, valued at $197 million.

Although obviously unavailable for comment, the fugitive mass murderer/lottery winner, who has been hole up in the witness or witless (whichever) protection program in Colorado under an assumed name, said he will use his lottery winnings to start a company selling $299 PCs.

"But," said the fugitive mass murderer/lottery winner, "we will just be breaking even on selling the box. Where we will really make our money is by selling $3.50 cokes to our customers while they stand around our storefronts waiting for our trained technicians to finish mixing up a fresh batch of crystal meth in the back room so they can get into the proper frame of mind to start soldering some damn machines together in between rounds of developing proprietary methodologies for application and system development, on the one hand, and increasing their clients' probabilities of successful system roll outs while reducing the schedule, and therefore the cost, manpower, etc. required to deploy new systems, on the other."

"Obviously," said a spokesman for the fugitive mass murderer/lottery winner speaking on the Witness or Witless Protection Program Satellite Network, "we regret any related damage or loss of civilian life."

He also said something about "the value proposition we will be offering our customers," but who's counting?

Yeltsin Launches World War 6!!!!!

MOSCOW (AP) - President Boris Yeltsin warned NATO Friday that he'd immediately start World War 6 if they tried to bomb any more Stoli or Smirnoff or Kamchatka factories.

Yeltsin, who'd launched World War 3 yesterday, announced today that he was immediately calling it off because, "you know, World War 3 is just sooooo fucking yesterday."

"So, instead of crappy old World War 3," Yeltsin said in the Kremlin, according to the Interfax news agency, "I am hereby launching the much cooler World War 6."

Apparently World War 6, by definition, will be fought exclusively by combatants hocking mostly logies at each other across national borders, interspersed with international internationally-televised contests to see who can drink the most stupid blood.

Many analysts, however, suspect Yeltsin is just bluffing and that his real goal in starting World War 6 is just to bring the world to that hallowed historical moment only 1 step away from World War 7, which, by definition, will be fought exclusively by lesbians, armed exclusively with Celeron dildoes.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC