Thursday, April 10, 1997
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Government Media Business
CNN Hires Clinton, for 2000

Truth-or-Consequences, NM - ( April 10 ) - It's just been learned that President Bill Clinton, of the United States, has signed a contract with Ted Turner of Turner-Wannabe Inc, to work for Turner's Confused News Network, CNN.

The deal calls for Clinton to begin working at CNN one month after he leaves office -- either in January 2001, or earlier, in the event that he's removed or resigns, for whatever reason.

According to Turner, Clinton would most likely do the prime-time national weather 6 days a week, "And maybe some occasional goofy features on Nuclear disarmament or something like that."

Social Security Administration Shuts Down Porno Website

The US Supreme Court ordered The US Social Security System, yesterday, to take down its motherfucking porno website immediately.

According to Chief Justice Clarence Thomas, "The Social Security porno was cleverly hidden in a maze of numbers and gibberish, but to the trained pornographer, the site is, you know, like, Permanent Erection! I mean, everywhere you look it's 69 this and 69 that. Sure they try to hide it in a string of numbers like 069-11-9698 -- but that's, like, two 69's in only 9 fucking bytes -- and that 11 is also suspect. If you know what I mean."

Earth Completely Destroyed! (So why are you still here)

The Earth was completely destroyed yesterday by a massive shockwave from the sun so, if you're reading this now, it's obviously from some transcendental state beyond time and space and the soul.

So you might as well relax.

Earth Completely Destroyed by Shockwave from the Sun

Or was that just Sun Microbrainstems buying billions and billions of Shockwave Plug-ins along with parent company Macromediocre?

Not to be outdone, Microsoft Corporation of Washington DC, announced it had purchased pop icon Marilyn Manson. According to Microsoft president, Steve Jobs, Manson would be used mostly as a nuclear waste disposal facility. "We hope to get out of software altogether," said Jobs, "And move into the field of nuclear waste disposal. Manson is really just a prototype facility to test the waters.

"A preliminary cost-benefit analysis shows we'd be getting much better value out of our workers if we had them eating, say, plutonium or cesium-139 or whatever, rather than writing software. I mean, users already have more fucking categories of software than they want, with more fucking features than they'll ever need. So what's left, other than computer television, and, like, there aren't, already, enough fucking televisions out there?!"

According to Jobs, the purchase involved the exchange of a couplea truckloads of Velveeta cheeseballs and a couplea warehouses stuffed with crystal meth.

Not to be outdone, Testicle Systems of Santa Clara, CA, has purchased steel-rod maker IBM Corp of Boca Raton. According to Larry Elephantiasisego, CEO of Testicle, the merger will make it cost-effective to fly millions of planeloads of IBM steel rods to the tops of mountains where they'll be exposed to extreme high temperatures till they melt and the molten steel flows down the mountainside, eventually covering the entire surface of the planet with a smooth steel sheen. "That will make it easy to keep everything clean and well organized," said Elephantiasisego.

Not to be outdone, Nutscraper Systems of Santa Clarabell, CA, announced it would purchase Digital Whatever, of Truth-or-Consequences, New Mexico, a maker of, uh, you know.

According to Hans Christian Andreessen of Nutscraper, their first product will be changing the name of Truth-or-Consequences, New Mexico, to Who's-on-First, Argentina?. After that, they figure they'll probably steal the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and change the name to the Lock and Load Hall of Fame and turn it into an all-family heroin shooting gallery.

Not to be outdone, Disney for Kids has bought Colombia and will form the Heroin for Kids Corporation, a division of the Kiddie Porn For Adults, Adult Porn For Kiddies Foundation, makers of the, you know, the gene pool stress analyzer-synthesizer.

According to the CEO of whatever the new company will be named, "Blah blah, you know, blah blah, whatever, blah blah and then in the fall we'll be releasing our logie mythology congestor, blah blah, etc., etc...."

Not to be outdone, has-been popster, Sylvester Stallone, has purchased Wired Magazine, purveyor of low-tech blow jobs and high-tech half-falsehoods, and will convert it into obscenity singer-songwriter Harper Collins for the pure litigational value of it all. What the fuck.

Not to be outdone, The Oakland A's will buy Cher and Richard Gere and become the Oakland Bi's.

The Miami Dolphins will buy Rancho Sante Fe and become the Rancho Sante Fe A's.

The Oakland A's will also buy the Sacramento Bee, but will then take a "wait and see" attitude.

Not to be outdone, Coke has bought Christ, Pepsi has bought Confucius, and RJR Nabisco has bought cognition. These companies then entered into an agreement whereby they will buy each other recursively, forever, thus generating endless business and cash flow without the need for some smelly old product or service, or even personnel.

"When the company feels strong enough," said acting CEO, Jack Stefan, "We will probably date rape the moon or Jupiter, or else we'll have some other event-style product for the masses."

Not to be outdone, England has purchased the gene that controls the ability to write coherent email when you're either stoned on your ass or drunk out of your mind, or vice versa, or both.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F