Friday, April 10, 1998
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Hi-Tech Briefs (as it were)
Digital Convergence

LV, NV - (Apr 10) - Apparently, according to Matt Drudge or somebody, so-called "digital" is, you know, converging. This is known as digital convergence, or something.

Digital convergence apparently means that your TV and your PC will try to either smash into each other and become one, or else they'll just try to fuck each other to death -- it's not clear which.

Apparently, according to Business Week, "Some companies are betting on the former outcome, and other companies are betting on the latter outcome, while still other companies are actually hedging their bets and betting on both outcomes."

IBM, for example, is actually doing all 3, and a spokesman for the company is rumored to have said, "Huh?" when asked some question or other -- though no one is quite sure what the question was, or if it was even audible.

"Once we have full digital convergence," said Bill Gates or somebody, "we will be able to do all the things we can do now -- though this capability is still about 5 years away, same as it was 5 years ago."

John Malone or Ray Smith or somebody said, "Hey, remember me? I'm John Malone or Ray Smith or somebody, and I'm still on the cutting edge of digital convergence!"

And to prove it, he smashed a $139 Shamrock 14-inch monitor into a $299 Digi-view 17-inch monitor -- and then ate the leftovers.

Either Scott McNealy or Larry Ellison was unavailable for comment, as he had just broken up with an indie rocker and didn't want to come across all sappy, even though he knew he probably deserved it.

Hackers Steal Free Yahoo Source Code, Or Something

Apparently some hackers have stolen the free source code for Yahoo, or something, and used it to spam either Usenet or Netscape with illegal Playboy child porn or stolen German bank account balances.

Microsoft Announces Windows for Voyeurs

Bill Gates or whoever, showed his true colors yesterday, as Microsoft ceased production, sale, and distribution of all other products so it could concentrate full-time on its new "killer app or ap" -type product, Windows for Voyeurs.

Said Bill Gates or Nathan Myhrvold or Steve Ballmer or somebody, "This is what Microsoft has been about from day 1, and the reason we wrote Windows in the first place -- except when we were younger and didn't understand marketing, we called it Windows for Peeping Toms."

Gates, or whoever, admitted that computer technology was pretty much going nowhere in terms of providing anything new or useful to consumers, and that the media market was pretty much over-saturated, with zero growth potential, "But there will always be a strong and growing market for hardcore S&M, bondage, and bestiality," said the Chairman, "and that's why we've, you know, erected Windows -- so you can watch it all without fear of being accidentally spritzed by the random bodily fluids of the slimebags and sleazeballs we've kidnapped to perform these sacred acts for your personal entertainment."

@Home Says ADSL OK for WebTV in UK

Apparently, according to NewsWeek, @Home has said that ADSL is OK for WebTV in the UK.

Rebecca Kramer, a spokesman for @Home, told reporters, early this morning, "As a spokesman for @Home, I'd just like to announce that we think ADSL is OK for WebTV in the UK."

When pressed, however, she stated that she had no opinion whatsoever about whether ISDN would be OK for PC-TV at the UN.

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