Friday, April 11, 1997
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R=64;G=64;B=64 Friday
Market Crashes! On News That Push Technology Is Shit

NY, NY - ( April 11 ) - Despite today's loss of over 900 points or so on the Dow, market mavens, analysts, pundits, or whatever, were still bullish on bullshit, and blamed the crash on investors who were being just too bearish on bare ass.

"Bullshit is never obsolete," insisted Jacqueline Stefanovich, an analyst with the brokerage firm of Kidder Nobody, "But neither is bare ass, or whatever."

Other insiders, like Jack di Stefano, of Kidder, P-bot, expressed similar optimisms. "I was trying to read up on her life, but her bio kept degrading, right in my hands and eventually disappeared," he said, in a tone of voice so confident that, regardless of the fact that his statement bore no fucking relationship whatsoever to anything on this planet, you could still feel secure that he was absolutely right, and that, as a result, stocks would surge violently upward, the moment trading re-opened on Monday.

"For another thing," said Jack Stefan, an insider who should have known better, "Several new bullshit products are being released this month, to replace several of the old bullshit products which have recently been exposed as such."

He went on to describe the new products and services which would save the ass of the economy and the market and thus peoples' life savings and their hopes and their futures and dreams and even their very fucking present survival, an all.

Data Whore-Housing

There's just so much data around, and it's just so hard to access and retrieve and locate, so why not just build a big fucking Whore-House specifically for data, and, then, at eleven o'clock, you'll always know where the fuck it is.

The Near-Vomit Experience

Though many large companies have tried and failed to cash in on the near-death experience as mass-consumer craze, a few of them have successfully re-examined their goals and are now exploring the somewhat related, but much more realistic, human bio-entertainment technology which brings you (the consumer) right up to, but not past, the point of puking your fucking guts out. You know, the point where you see a bright shining light at the end of a long shining tunnel or tube, or whatever, with your relatives, or whoever, lined up along the side or something.

"The near-vomit experience," said Kidder Everybody analyst, Jacqueline Stefanino, "Is kind of a no-brainer or whatever, to achieve. Culture does it every day, but much too randomly. The addition of a little bio-metric-driven software, though, turns it into a gratifying experience, almost on a par with near-death. This could definitely put Wired out of business as the gen-X-hippy emetic of choice.

Smokeless Unabomber

Pretty self-explanatory. Like a smokeless cigarette, except a guy who does it with bombs. The new personal terrorism of the late 90's.

Nymphomaniac Animal Competitions

People are sick of seeing people compete, and they're tired of seeing animals do stupid tricks. So, obviously, what they want is to see animals compete over dead serious things -- like who can be the most fucking nymphomanic.

Barnyard animals vs. wild animals vs. housepets vs. birds, reptiles whatever, vying to see who can fuck the most, or who can fuck the most bizarre form of partner object.

TV show concepts:

Baywatch -- on a Train.

Baywatch -- on a Freight Train.

Baywatch -- on a Freight Elevator.

Xena Warrior Princess -- on a space shuttle.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F