LV, NV - (Apr 13) - Rebecca Kramer, President and CEO of Bank of American, announced, today, that her company will merge with the Reverend Robert Schuller's Crystal Meth Cathedral Organization to form the nation's first full-service financial-spiritual institution, the Crystal Meth Bank-Cathedral.

Ms. Kramer told rabid reporters, "Today, people are happy just to have one-stop shopping for all their financial services -- but tomorrow, the little fuckers'll want more, more, more. And we plan to be ready to give it to them."

According to Kramer, "Once everyone gets deep into all this money, money, money bullshit, they're gonna start feelin' really slimy about themselves. And, at that point, they're gonna wanna suddenly get all, you know, 'spiritual.' But by then, the only place they'll know how to get to is Bank of America, cause we've given them virtually everything they've ever needed."

According to Kramer, when people are finally ready to "get all spiritual," all they'll have to do is just walk right through the big crystal vault at their local Bank of America branch and they'll instantly enter into their local Reverend Robert Schuller's Crystal Meth Cathedral branch, where they'll be able to get all holy and down with the spirit an' all, after doing lots and lots of, you know, the Reverend Schuller's own home-grown brand of crystal meth.

"This is the future of financial services, religion, the soul, life on earth, the cosmos, and drugs," said Kramer. "Love it or Leave it."

Parents Out Of Touch With Kids' Drug Use

According to a survey, parents are totally out of touch when it comes to knowing anything at all about the drug use of their kids.

According to the Wall Street Journal, "This is probably because parents are, like, just so fucking stoned all the time."

Clinton Resigns Or Is Impeached. Whichever.

President Clinton, today, either resigned or was impeached for calling the ISP known as Earthlink "Earthlinks," -- with an "s" -- when everybody knows, there is no "s."

"If I made a dumb, stupid, sleazy mistake like that," said House majority leader, Dick Armey, "or used the word 'fuck' in public, I'd immediately fucking resign!"

People who have stood staunchly by Clinton throughout the whole Lewinsky affair, and through all the other White House scandals, are said to now be abandoning the President en masse.

"Fucking and killing people is one thing," said Connecticut Senator, Joseph Lieberman, "but making an incredibly stupid mistake like that and calling a company by the wrong name, is absolutely unforgivable in a capitalist society and the man should be immediately impeached and sent into earth orbit, nailed to the outside of the space shuttle."