Monday, April 14, 1997
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Smirnoff's Puke Technology Obsoletes Push

Wendover, NV - ( April 14 ) - Whoever said, "Not one single fucking essentially new or interesting or even fucking noteworthy thing has happened on the web in the last year or more," was finally proven wrong, today, when Smirnoff Systems of West Shitfaced, Colorado, announced the release of its new "puke" technology client, Liver Screwdriver.

avoid.. Ignore .. Boycott .. DESTROY .. SMASH ... Push Media! According to Smirnoff CEO and leading puke technology theoretician, Rebecca Kramer, "We have pretty much solved the content problem and the business model problem and the only part that required a Turing-Test-capable brain, was ironing out the bugs in the delivery system."

"Puke" technology, which originated as a culture-neutral response to "push" technology (which originated as a corporate slimebag reaction against the proposition that maybe soulless pushers shouldn't control every last fucking iota of cognition), was first developed by Kramer in order to actualize the concepts embodied in her best-selling memoir, "Puke Theory: Reversing the Information Peristalsis."

Puke Technology Theory (PTT) essentially explores the "many-to-few" model of inter-organism communication and positions it as the replacement for older, outdated models such as the "one-to-many" model (CBS), the "many-to-many" model (a roomful of people with big egos, or, cough, the Web), and the "few-to-many" model (the WELL), to name just a few.

PTT employs a so-called "sentient agent" also known as, like, you know, a "person," -- who goes door to door, 24 hours a day, giving people the PTT client software, "Liver Screwdriver," which, as the name implies, is, basically, vodka, orange juice, and lots of tiny little chunks of raw liver floating around in it.

Better than any survey where the very nature of the questions or experimenter bias may severely taint the results, the electric kool-aid liver screwdriver test is totally uniform, and the subject's cognitive feigning mechanisms can't get in the way of an honest response.

PTT sentient agents are also trained to get a copy of the subject's hard drive and past tax returns,"as long as they're in the neighborhood." (An early proto-type version of the technology had the sentient agent showing the subject a picture of the inside of Durk Pearson and Sandy Shaw's refrigerator, rather than making them drink a liver screwdriver.)

"The sum total output of text, data, and partially digested food from every person on earth," said Kramer, explaining her theory to a roomful of reporters and cryptographers, "Is then collected in vast data warehouses and, from there, shipped COD in large IBM Aptiva boxes, to the thousand or so people who run top tier media companies, and their 20,000 or so drones who should know better...."

Rebecca Firestone, director of marketing for Smirnoff Media, took over as Kramer apparently lapsed into an acid flashback kinda thing.

"The rest of the theory," said Firestone, "States that the people who run everything will be so busy signing for and paying for all the boxes of barf and data they receive and, once they open them up, so busy hiring coroners to search through them for perhaps missing fragments of JonBenet Ramsey, and so busy personally scouring through all the data on all the disks cause they've been told, on good authority, that the secret to the whole JonBenet thing is definitely somewhere on one of these total dumps from everybody's hard drive... so they'll be so busy with this load, puked on them by the people, that they won't have time to publish Time or time to come up with dorky topic ideas for Fox News or Suck."

"And then human nature can be cleanly surveyed for whether it's evolved one motherfucking iota since 27 zillion BC," interjected Kramer, momentarily snapping out of flashback mode, while, of course, still deep down in it.

In a related story, McDonald's has just bought Madonna [like they actually hadda pay for it...] and will now be called Madonald's.

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