Tuesday, April 15, 1997
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Pop Culture is Over

Atlanta, Ga - ( April 15 ) - CNN has learned that Pop culture is apparently over. According to a pop culture figure and popular pop culture analyst, popular culture is finished as a form of popular culture.

"From now on," said the former, popular pop culture figure, "Everyone will care only about totally subjective, personal things, fabricated out of thin air, that no one else gives a flying fuck about, and vice versa. As soon as 2 people care about the same thing, one of them mysteriously dies."

Simultaneous Bombings Rock World

A million different time bombs went off simultaneously all over the world this morning at 5:45 AM Pacific Daylight Savings Time.

Bombs were reported in every nation and principality of the world, and in every state within these nations and principalities, and in every city and town within these states.

Bombs ranged from small pipe bombs to a few, dirty, thin-man style, lo-yield, vintage 1950's atomic bombs. Total damage is still being assessed by the only person who survived the blasts, Steven Segall.

Humans Are Really Gedanken Experiment From Other Dimension

CNN has just learned that human beings on earth are really just subjects in elaborate gedanken experiments being conducted by beings at a higher level, in another dimension.

A source from the other dimensions has informed CNN that certain concepts can only be played out in human form, and that earth is really just a laboratory to explore these concepts for possible utilization in the future evolution of beings in other dimensions.

"Other dimensions have to evolve too, ya know!" said the CNN source, communicating in a manner which even Wolf Blitzer could not, reportedly, comprehend.

According to the source, the 2 concepts which are currently being tested on earth for possible inclusion in the evolution of beings at higher levels in other dimensions, are: "Being a fucking asshole," and "Advertising."

Also, according to the source, proof that humans are really inhabited by amnesiac "souls" from other dimensions, can be found in "That funny feeling people have, whenever they try to think too much."

FBI Lab Is Not A Piece Of Shit, Reno Claims

Janet Reno, or somebody, today, insisted that the FBI lab is not totally fucked, as someone has recently claimed.

"The FBI lab is not at all totally fucked," said, whoever it was, "In fact, in order to thoroughly test the lab, we gave them a series of samples to identify, and in 90 out of 100 cases they were able to tell the difference between a sample of supermodel vomit, and a picture of an animal cum shot..." At that point, the attorney-general, or whoever, stopped abruptly in mid-sentence and fell on the floor, laughing her fucking head off uncontrollably till they eventually had to carry her out of the room in a strait jacket.

Drinking A Cup Of Freshly Brewed Coffee Mixed With Tomato Juice And Little Pieces Of Pasta While Taking A Bath In Green Tea And Grapefruit Juice, May Reduce The Risk Of Cancer

Studies show that drinking a cup of freshly brewed coffee mixed with tomato juice and little pieces of pasta, while taking a bath in green tea and grapefruit juice and little pieces of pasta, may reduce the risk of cancer.

What We Perceive As Time Is Really A Lack Of Processing Power On The Part Of The Cosmos

CNN has learned that what we perceive as time, is really just a manifestation of the lack of processing power on the part of the cosmos.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F