Friday, April 16, 1999
  Astronomers discover new Calvin Klein fragrance!!!

Pasadena, CA - (Apr 16) - Astronomers working at the Jet Compulsion Lab in Pasadena, CA, using Sony Walkman Hubble Telescopes in their pockets (or are they just glad to see you?) have apparently discovered a new Calvin Klein fragrance in outer space.

The new fragrance, known as Calvin Klein's "Antidisestablishmentarianism for Men," apparently appears miraculously on a particular loading dock in downtown Oxnard whenever a neutrino escapes from a black hole at the far end of the universe, or a positron-positron annihilation occurs underwater in solar phlegm.

Calvin Klein Cosmetics Co. has apparently recalled the fragrance after getting 8 reports from people who said using it made them do something they "didn't want to talk about and was none of your damn fucking business anyway."

"Apparently," said a spokespawn for the FDA who forced Klein to recall the fragrance, "just a drop or two of this stuff is enough to cause snails and slugs to start congregating in school yards and travelling in packs, attacking small children and dogs."

When asked how come they were discovering Calvin Klein fragrances in outer space rather than trying to unlock the great mysterious secrets of the universe, the JCL astronomers explained how, like, they were gettin', you know, kinda sick of how like every new discovery just disproved the latest theory they'd just thought up yesterday to explain the hot new discovery of the day before, which had disproved the hot new theory of the day before that, which had explained the hot new discovery of the day before that, which had disproved the hot new theory of the day before that, and so on, de-recursively.

"Anyway," they carefully explained, "when it comes to paying for utter fucking bogus bullshit, Cal Klein's pockets are several orders of magnitude deeper than Cal Tech's."

Disgruntled astronomers open divider strip mini-superstores

Apparently on account of how, like, they don't know what the fuck they're doing or something, a former team of astronomers at the Jet Compulsion Lab in Pasadena, has decided to open a chain of Barnes and Schwabbucks mini-superstores on highway divider strips just outside 60 major US metropolitan areas all across the country.

The mini-superstores will be extremely long and really really thin, and will sell coffee, books, and financial services through their windows to people in stalled SUVs during day-in day-out traffic jams on Americas top 60 clogged suburban-urban arteries.

"Beats discovering bogus new galaxies and trying to come up with cool new names for theoretical fabrications which will only be proven terribly wrong in about a day or two, as soon as somebody finally makes it through the endless traffic jam to arrive at the lab and run almost any random experiment whatsoever," said Barnes and Schwabbucks CEO, Joe CEO.

CEO also claimed his company will completely ignore the worthless piece of shit internet and will advertise exclusively on multi-car freeway pile-ups, using quick visual ads spray-painted on the wreckage by fast, low-flying helicopters, and targeted specifically at the rubber-necker demographic.


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