Friday, April 17, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Paula Jones Sues Pol Pot

Hollywood, CA - (Apr 17) - According to CNN, Paula Jones will sue Pol Pot, or somebody, for, like, giving her a bad name, or something.

"That Pol Pot, or whoever, has given me a bad name," she sobbed to a press conference beamed into 200 billion homes around the world, by CNN.

Ms. Jones, first off, accused Mr. Pot of, first off, having a name almost exactly like hers and, then, going out and killing, like, 2 million people.

"Just because he has almost the same name as me," Ms. Jones told reporters and the world, "now, when I go to the supermarket, everybody thinks it's me, and even though they don't say it, I can see they're all thinking, 'Oh, she thinks she's so hot, just cause she killed 2 million people.'"

Ms. Jones told reporters that, by having almost the same first name as hers and, then, having a last name like, you know, "Pot," made everybody think that not only had she killed 2 million people, but also that she was always on drugs.

"Now," she told reporters, "when I go to the supermarket, even though nobody says it, I can see they're all thinking, 'Oh she thinks she's so hot cause not only did she kill 2 million people, but she did it all stoned out of her mind on pot.'"

CNET/Suck Combine To Form HMO

CNET: The Comatose Network, will apparently buy what's left of Wired's moribund "brain"-child, Suck.Com.

CNET, which originated as a company dedicated to constantly searching the web for instances of the phrase, "CNET Sucks!," sees this purchase or merger or whatever as the perfect fit.

"We see this purchase or merger or whatever as the perfect fit," said CNET's deep-pocketed owner, Ursa Major or Kelsey Grammer or whoever, "because now, when people do searches on the phrase 'CNET Sucks!' they will come to OUR site, 'CNET/,' rather than go to all those other sites where some irresponsible slimeball, out of pure bitterness, hatred, greed and reckless disregard for being, itself, has written, like, 'CNET sucks!', or, like, 'CNET Sucks a big one!' or, you know, like, 'CNET is an utter fucking piece of shit!'"

However, according to Matt Drudge, CNET is off by a singularity or two.

It seems, according to Drudge, that constant searches of the Web by all 7,000 members of the CNET staff, have, in recent weeks, turned up exactly zero -- ZERO!!! -- instances of any web page whatsoever, ever using the phrase "CNET sucks!!!" for any reason whatsoever.

Unfortunately, according to Drudge or the Nude York Times, further analysis of this trend, reveals that the utter absence of any page whatsoever anywhere on the web saying, "CNET sucks!!" doesn't really mean that nobody thinks CNET sucks anymore -- but, rather, it really just means that no one really gives enough of a flaming flying fuck, to, like, give a flaming, flying fuck about whether CNET sucks or not. And vice versa.

However, according to an article published in Salon Magazine, the new CNET/Suck will have the last laugh, because they themselves don't give a flaming flying fuck about whether anybody gives a flaming flying fuck or not, cause they're instantly getting themselves the flaming flying fuck out of the unfortunately not-so-lucrative web bullshitting business altogether, and getting into the much more lucrative bullshit HMO business.

CNET owner, Morris Minor, or Helios Creed or whoever, claimed the switch-over from web bullshitting business to bullshitting HMO business, would be "utterly trivial" to pull off.

"We'll just take our massive CNET/TV workspace/studio," Minor or Creed said, "and turn it into a massive operating room. We'll bus in critical, dying patients from all over the world, lay 'em out on our computer worktables, send our highly-trained staff of 7,000 out for coffee, and then get Suck figure-head, Joey Facecuffs, in here, give him a dull scalpel, tape his mouth shut, and turn him loose to work his own special brand of thoughtfulness on the near-dead and dying.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F