Disneyland, USA - (Apr 18) - Disney Corp of Disneyland, USA, announced today that it had purchased the film rights to the 1957 Noam Chomsky bestselling classic, "Syntactic Structures." The book will be made into a romantic-comedy to be released during Christmas 1998 by Disney's Touchstone Division. According to industry rumor, Julia Roberts will star as NP, with Tom Hanks considered a shoo-in for the role of VP, and Charleton Heston already signed to play the part of S.

"The film, about a Presidential election in a parallel dimension of reality," said Disney spokesman Rebecca Kramer, "Is actually intended to provoke a war among scumbags, so that, once scumbags have killed each other off, decent people like you and me can get together and, because there's no more scumbags, decide to not have a next generation so there's nobody to screw up. Then we can all just pig out on what's left of the world and not have to worry about cleaning up afterwards."

Cash the Wind

CNN has learned that culture is, apparently, just one big focus group, and politics is just the ad agency that turns the group's responses into cash, after everybody else is dead, so who gives a fuck?

"People have been paying vast sums of money to reach data points that are utterly artifactual," said a spokesman for Grupo de Norepinephrine, the parent company of Grupo Dopamine, whose logo, a planet behind bars, was recently adopted as the official fish of the National Science And Frightened Fascism Foundation.

Speaking to a meeting of the Victims of Design, held at Casa Peligro, however, a spokesman for CNN denied that any dualities were involved here. "There are NO dualities whatsoever involved here," the CNN spokesman said, "These things are just perceived as dualities, because of [the limitations of] human brain structure.

Cache Her in the Rye

Microsoft has announced the universal e-mail responder, which just takes all your e-mail and responds by saying to whomever, "I have literally and figuratively no fucking idea of what the fuck your fucking e-mail was about but who cares cause i incorporated it into my next novella or progressive rock opera or letters to the editor column or clause in the contract for my next 6-picture deal, anyway."

Cashier in the Rye

Microsoft and Wired and General Motors have announced a new e-zine-TV Show film starring Andrew Stevens coitally bonded (or whatever) to Shannon Tweed, today, called "Workplace Homicides," by, for, about and dedicated to workers who run amok and write things on walls like: "Maintenance always makes things worse, motherfucker!"

But according to a spokesman for CNN, "Uh, CNN has just learned that the purpose of culture is to make sure that everyone wants to die. Period. So, obviously, these people we see parading around here are not really at fault.... They have simply just forgotten to die. Only that.... Back to you, Bernie."

"Thanks, Ralph, And that's Ralph Begleitter or whomever, reporting from Indonesia.... Now, you know, there are definitely times when it's pragmatic to be idealistic, and here's Wolf Blitzer from the White House lawn to show you what we mean,... Wolf....Wolf...Wolf.... "

"Well, Bernie, I guess this just isn't one of those times. Back to you, Bernie."

Everyone Who Has To Get Drunk First, Just to Be Able to Open the Next Bottle, Please Raise Your Hands

"CNN has just learned that a chemical thing can be satisfied by symbols."

"Do you want your un-scripted, un-art-directed life, cast with non-professional actors, too?" said a CNN spokesman.

Playing Ketchup

"CNN has learned that lossless compression to infinite density and zero space (i.e.: height=0, width=0, depth=0)) is simply 'pure time.' When the compression algorithm breaks, time explodes into matter and space. And that's why the shortest distance between 2 points is, always, the history of the world. Back to you, Bernie."