Monday, April 19, 1999
  Gates Kidnapped!!!!

Redmond, WA - (Apr 19) - Microsoft founder and CEO, Bill Gates, was apparently kidnapped late last night from a Ralph's parkinglot in downtown suburban Redmond, Washington. At a press conference held early this morning by the kidnappers, Microsoft president and acting founder and CEO, Steve Ballmer, bluntly rejected a ransom demand of $1000 in small bills, saying "Microsoft doesn't have that kind of money, and even if it did, Gates, who hasn't had a fucking idea in over 20 years, just isn't worth it."

When asked by reporters what was the fucking idea that Gates had 20 years ago, Ballmer stated that it was the idea "to kiss IBM's ass."

Eventually Ballmer managed to skillfully negotiate the ransom down to about $400 in 20's and 50's, and Gates was returned to Microsoft where he will continue his life's work of not having had a fucking idea in over 20 years -- until he reaches his goal of not having had a fucking idea in over 30 years.

McGwire Quits Baseball!!!!

All-time major league baseball single season home run record holder, Mark McGwire, announced today that he was quitting the game of baseball FOR GOOD.

McGwire said he was quitting baseball for good because the pitchers were "intentionally throwing the ball, like, really fast" and making it "curve and do other weird stuff" which directly interfered with his ability to hit it.

"If they're gonna do all that artsy-fartsy pitcher's crap on me, how am I gonna get 75 home runs this year and save baseball again and be the only real hero in the world at a time when everybody else is just a buncha candy-ass, lying, blow job aficionados?" said McGwire who suddenly stopped and a weird look crossed his face and he promptly left the press conference and flew to New York to start a new magazine called "Blow Job Aficionado" whose IPO today, was the biggest IPO in stock market history.

Baseball commissioner David Bowie Kuhn declared the season over till Dennis Rodman could learn to play either 2nd base or soprano sax well enough to save baseball in place of McGwire.

Gore Just May Suck!!!

A recent Gallup Poll shows that Al Gore just may suck. When asked if they thought Al Gore just might suck, 75% of the people surveyed answered "yes!"

A similar poll, done moments later, showed that only 74% of the people surveyed thought that George W. Bush "just might happen to really really suck, too." Though only 73% of those surveyed thought he "just might happen to really really really suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!"

A similar poll, done last week, showed that if Dan Quayle, by some sick sick joke on humankind, were elected president, 98% of those surveyed would immediately kill him -- in order to prove the depth and sincerity of their love for Clare Danes.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC