Monday, April 20, 1998
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Tragic New Internet Usage Survey Rocks Mankind

USA - (Apr 20) - A new study, conducted by Linda Tripp's attorney, rocker Tommy Lee, indicates that 80% of all people sending e-mail via the internet are either on heroin or fucking Pamela Anderson, at the time.

Lee, a recent winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Being An Utter Fucking Piece of Shit, claimed that the study made it clear that the, you know, "American People" don't want no "steenking digital TV, or PC-TV convergence," and, that, rather, there is a growing movement to "de-technologize."

"Sales of Commodore-64's are up," said Lee. "Sales of Pentium II's are down."

"Sales of steam and gas-powered dildos are up," said Lee. "Sales of 100MHZ 440BX chipset-based dildos are down."

"Anal piercings are up," said Lee. "Cerebral cortical piercings are down."

AOL Hits 12 Million

Rocker AOL's membership rose 30% from 12 million a year ago to about 12 million today. "That's a 20% increase when measured in 1947 dollars," said, uhh, Whoever.

Whoever, a recent winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Walking In, Pissing On Everybody, and Leaving, said that the only real surprise was that he'd expected to win the Pulitzer Prize for Not Even Bothering To Show Up In The First Place.

"I was really surprised to be on first," said Whoever. "Although, with Whatever on second, I shouldn't be surprised at anything."

Apparently Or Something, was on third, or wherever.

Lee Appointed

Rocker Tommy Lee will apparently take over for Gerlado this week as Secretary of State or Speaker of the House. This will put him in line to become President of the United States in the event that Clinton and Gore are caught in a sex tryst with their pants off and either kill each other or themselves.

According to the Supreme Court on Psilocybin, "Everybody is allowed one of these incidents, but the second time, it's illegal, and you will have to be impeached or kill yourself or everybody else."

Film Is #1

Rocker Tommy Lee's new film, "I Am Linda Tripp -- Or Linda Tripp's Attorney. Whichever," was number one at the box office this week, beating out or off hard-core sex flick, "Titanic," for the first week in a row.

"This is a great thrill," said rocker Tommy Lee's wife, Mrs. Rocker Tommy Lee, accepting his combined Academy Award and Pulitzer Prize at the Holiday Inn Trailer Park in Goteborg, Sweden, where the annual combined Academy Award Pulitzer Prize is given out each week by the Academy of Motion Picture Pulitzer Prize Arts and Sciences.

Rocker Discovers Unified Feel Theory

Rocker Tommy Lee has apparently discovered the long elusive Unified Feel Theory which even Einstein couldn't figure out, but maybe that's cause he just didn't have enough fucking tattoos and didn't snort enough fucking PCP.

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