Monday, April 21, 1997
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8700 Plus, Celebrate With Precision Mass Collision

Kansas, Anymore - (April 21) - Twenty-five chartered Boeing 767 Jetliners collided head-on, simultaneously, in mid-air, early today, in the skies over Kansas, at the precise geographic center of the continental United States.

All 25 planes had apparently been chartered by Anal Probe Report, a philanthropic organization, dedicated to getting people to admit that "morality isn't anything anybody actually lives by -- it's really just a tool everybody uses, like mud, to call each other 'heartless dickhead' with."

The 25-jetliner simultaneous head-on collision, not only set the all-time record for most jetliners involved in a multiple jetliner simultaneous head-on collision, but was also executed with such absolute precision that -- as revealed in video tape shot from all 25 planes and ejected just split seconds before impact and automatically computer-edited together by mid-air intelligent agents as it wafted slowly out of the sky -- the outermost layer of electrons of the outermost skin of the noses of all 25 planes touched each of the other 24 superjetliner outermost electron noseskins, or whatever, at absolutely simultaneously the exact same femtosecond.

Obviously, such accuracy and timing wouldn't have been possible without the aid of digital computers, so -- seeee!!! -- technology has not been just a total, utter, motherfucking, complete waste of time, after all.

According to CNN, the mass suicide was obviously timed to coincide with April 21st, 1997, the first "OK-Waco-Earth-Net-Day," which had just been declared by the President or Congress, or somebody, to commemorate all those incredibly stupid, incredibly dick-headed maneuvers of the so-called "human spirit." -- Dick-headed maneuvers like Waco, Oklahoma City, Earth Day and Net Day.

According to Rebecca Kramer, Anal Probe Report's only remaining earthly member, the 25-jetliner collision was done solely to direct world attention to the need to have the kind of day where the Internet is sealed with the 7 Seals and all schools have the collective EEGs of their students wired together so the sum of their anger controls the detonators to millions of fertilizer truck-bombs, and the FBI Lab accidentally burns down the world, and somebody takes a picture of all 24 whores of the apocalypse standing on the charred remains, dispensing 200 blowjobs to the sweet strains of the Ray Coniff Orchestra and the David Koresh Blues Band.

According to a spokesman for Grupo Robot Smegma, the public relations agency for Anal Probe Report, "Each plane carried about 350 passengers, so the total number killed in the mass suicide was 8700 or so, which, you know, kinda makes Jim Jones look like some kinda pathetic lamo, if you know what I mean, and has certainly set the bar at a point where independents working in a garage, or even in small groups, will be hard-pressed to compete, and only the really extremely extremely very very very, you know, wealthy will now be able to go after it. Uh, ....Bill? ... Ted? ... Rupert? ... "

Smoking Does Not Cause Cancer

Researchers have discovered that smoking cigarettes does not cause cancer -- rather, the lung cancer gene causes people to be predisposed to smoking cigarettes.

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