Tuesday, April 22, 1997
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Gates Cancels Whole MSN Spring Programming Lineup

Redview, WA - (April 22) - In a fit of decisiveness and leadership seriously rivalling that of $300,000-dollar-man, Newt Gingrich, Bill Gates has decided to cancel ALL of Microsoft Network's new Spring or Summer or whatever season's lineup of new shows and to also cancel all the shows he previously claimed wouldn't be cancelled, from last season.

Said Gates, "Much like our software, all our online shows were utter fucking pieces of shit, about 10 years behind the times, and half a dollar too lame, so like why fucking bother?"

According to Gates, however, the fact that all his MSN shows were utter motherfucking pieces of shit, wasn't the only reason he was axing them.

Apparently, while he was being anally probed by space aliens aboard Haleys Comet or the Bab-o Comet or whatever, he had this really neat programming idea which could pretty much fill 24 hours a day worth of programming, 7 days a week, with a variety of shows, broad enough and rich enough and deep enough to satisfy pretty much the complete range of human desire and emotion and expectation of desire and repression of emotion.

"See," said Gates, "There's, like, a billion or so stray cats all over the world. Maybe 10 billion. So, like, we go out, maybe we just start around here in the US, or maybe just the west coast or whatever, anyway so we catch maybe a few hundred thousand of these stray cats and we fit them all with little miniature video camera/transmitters which can sort of gently and unobtrusively be implanted in their foreheads. So then we have all these stray cats running around, you know, chasing birds, chewing up rodents, stalking prey, fighting, killing, stealing, sleeping, cleaning themselves, you know, the full range of human drama -- so we take all these live video feeds coming off a few hundred thousand cats, and we send 'em up to the satellite and then they're all fed to our master control room in Billings Montana, where they're edited on-the-fly, in real-time, into hundreds of different shows for thousands of different channels for millions of different demographic groups and audience preferences around the world."

"And, like," Gates continued, "And, like, we'll jet in all the top artists and creative geniuses of our time, round the clock -- bring them to our studio in Billings Montana, and let them do all the real-time editing of the stray cat video feeds. And, we'll get artists, like, you know, Oliver Stone, and, like, the people that work for Wired, and, uh, Brian Eno and Rod McKuen, and Rowdy Roddy Piper, and David Bowie and Laurie Anderson... you know, all the great artists and thinkers of our time .... and we'll fly them all to Montana to edit together cat dreams... on the fly."

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Apostle Says Christianity is Utterly Bogus (Yawn)

CNN has just learned that one of the so-called "Apostles" has published a book saying Christianity is utterly bogus.

According to the apostle St. Paul of Tarsus, who moved to Minnesota to be with Prince right after he was canonized, "Christ actually thought everybody was just a dumb fucking asshole, so why bother?"

The former-apostle-turned-bestselling-author also mentioned that, as a result of his, uh, revelations, Christians might wanna, you know, like, not quit their day job anytime soon."

The Pope, when asked to comment on the claim that Christianity is utterly motherfucking bogus, said, "So?" while flashing the universal esperanto hand-sign for "blow me," and hocking a papal logie into the lens of Ralph Begleitter's Beta-cam.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F