Friday, April 23, 1999
  Disney Sues English Language Over, You Know, Some Shit

Borrego Springs, CA - (Apr 23) - The Walt Disney Corporation of Borrego Springs California, or somewhere, today, filed suit against the so-called "English" language, alleging that, without the English language, or any language, for that matter, people wouldn't be able to call Disney all the ugly filthy stupid names they call it every day, like clockwork.

In a statement, Disney founder and CEO, Joe Disney said, "Ooops, I no longer have any motivation. Case closed."

Disney's stock fell to some number from some other number that was apparently larger or higher depending on whether you think the glass is half empty or half full, and, if half full, half full of what?

But don't worry. These people are not miked and cannot hear us.

The suit was filed in U.S. District Courts somewhere where, you know, "the sun don't shine." If you know what I mean.

Over the years, the England-based "English" language has been hit with a string of similar lawsuits for inventing filthy words like dildo, antidisestablishmentarianism, and "on-a-shingle."

The English language was formed by the $18 billion merger of Pig Latin and the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in 1967. Before that time, to so-called "communicate," people in England and other so-called "English-speaking" countries, just figuratively pissed on each other in (Pig) Morse code.

Either the Disney company or the English language said it would now have to restructure its whole fucking operations after discovering that employees were spending lunch hour, out back, breaking utility tables over each others' head and betting on the outcome with money ripped from the tiny little hands of customers' starving babies left outside in the rain while the customers came in to comparison shop for air guitar picks, and air violin bows.

The lawsuit that, apparently, this article is about, alleges something, but everybody was too busy calling everybody else "you asshole, you dickhead" to remember what it was. Something to do with money and people and lying out one's ass.

The CEO of the English language was not immediately available for content or comment either, but stated anyway that if you could just stick enough muon-neutrinos in a jar and then dropped in one of each kind of quark, the probability of DNA would be 1 and, therefore, life is inevitable. And so actually trying to stay alive is not only a waste of time, it's a FUCKING waste of time!


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