Friday, April 24, 1998
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Corporate Capital Briefs:
Dow Opens, Like, All Lower!!!

NY, NY - (Apr 24) - According to CNN, the so-called "Dow," apparently opened, you know, like, all "lower" or something, today. And apparently everybody was, like, all "Whoooooooaaahh!" or something.

Gates, Like, All "Whooooooooa!" Or Something, Too

Microsoft CEO, and richest man "alive," Bill Gates, was apparently, you know, like, all "Whoooooahh!!" or something, today, too.

"Ashtrays , swizzle sticks, you name it... " said Gates, when asked what he'd be selling, in his new line of work.

ABC Cancels "Ellen"

ABC, the so-called "television" network, has apparently cancelled its XXX-rated hardcore Lesbian show, "Ellen."

"People," said ABC CEO, Ellem Enno-Pee, "want and deserve hardcore lesbian and straight kink, and they want and deserve lesbian kink orgies and lesbo fetish and toy orgies and lesbian and straight bondage orgies, and fucking and sucking up the, you know, 'wazoo.'

"And 'Ellen' just wasn't, apparently," he sighed, "you know, giving it to them."

Wired Will Pay Employees in Viagra (TM)

Wired CEO, Oliver Stone (TM), announced today that, due to recent cuts in their operating budget, Wired could no longer afford to pay its employees in money or abortive blowjobs, anymore, but, rather, as an incentive to not leave Wired and go work for Wired rival, CNET, which pays its "employees" in Rogaine (TM) and abortive golden showers, Wired would, effective immediately, start paying all its employees with daily injections of the "exciting" new wonder dick-drug (TM), Viagra (TM).

Stone said he hoped the new wonder drug would make everybody wonder just how they could have been such boring assholes for so long, and, like, maybe "boost" their, you know, "sagging morale," which has, apparently, been, you know, "sagging" worse than ever, lately, after recent stunning revelations of cracking open the heads of Bruce Sterling and John Perry Barlow and finding, like, absolutely nothing inside.

Or, nothing, that is, but a couplea old Z-80s with 128K of RAM, running Microsoft Windows 1.0 without a hardware accelerator board.

"Who would have thought that impotence was really this cool new drug!!" said Stone, running through a series of quick profit-and-loss calculations, pictures of babes, and web designs, in his head, as he spoke.

"So you mean I've wasted all these fucking years 'freaking out' on acid twice a day, when all I really needed was just a little Viagra?" screamed more than one disgruntled, uhhh, member of the battle-hardened, Wired, uhh, staff.

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