Monday, April 28, 1997
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Volunteer Your Ass, Motherfucker

Philadelphia, PA - (April 28) - A buncha has-been loser Presidents and a buncha wannabe loser Presidents and a lame-duck President and some other assorted elite losers, got together, yesterday, to tell the American people to get the fuck off their lazy dumb asses and get out there and VOLUNTEER! -- to help keep the current elite and their slimeball cronies in power, that is.

The elite losers were kicking off a 3-day "volunteer summit" in Philadelphia, PA, the theme of which was the usual sanctimonious bullshit about saving our poor dying starving illiterate murderous brutal scumbag children, who apparently are going out and robbing and raping and murdering and brutalizing and smoking heroin because their fucking parents are too busy attending "save our poor fucking creepo slimebag brutal children" meetings, and so have no time to stay home and read, like, "Goldilocks and the 3 Bears" to their illiterate slimebag delinquent brutal sex-and-drug-crazed children who, therefore, have no other choice but to go out and become fascist murderers cause nobody's told them how you shouldn't, like, eat somebody else's porridge or sleep in their fucking beds. If ya know what I mean.

Lame-duck, has-been President, Clinton, gave a moving speech, in which he pointed out that if it weren't for volunteers "None of us would be up here on this stage, right now, self-righteously telling you that your lives are empty and worthless and stupid unless you volunteer to help keep us up here, on stage, getting all the perks and privileges of power, all the money, all the endless blowjobs both literal and otherwise, while you work your sorry asses off at jobs all day and then, in your few remaining spare moments, volunteer to go out and work the remainder of your sorry asses off for us, doing things like going door-to-door, telling losers like yourselves, how they better fucking vote for elite ego pigs like me, or their already worthless lives will suck even more."

Clinton went on to tell the people how they should, like, help their neighbors an all. "If your neighbors," said Clinton, "Are, like, all drunk and raping and beating the shit out of each other, just get over there and volunteer to help them do it better. And don't forget the booze."

"So thanks," Clinton finished, and now, let's get out there and save all those poor starving miserable children of the present and future. We need your help. We need your help to keep getting all those great Presidential blowjobs, and to keep our endless Washington legal circle jerks going round and round. Will you help us? Will you volunteer your time? Will somebody volunteer to carry my luggage, and maybe help keep Bill Jr., here, at least partially happy till Bill Sr., here, can get back out to Hollywood for some of that, you know, high-priced, celebrity tail, freely volunteered to the high-powered assholes who your volunteering helps keep in power? Thank you, and God Bless American Celebrity Tail."

Everybody was so moved by Clinton's speech that millions of people started rushing up to the stage and announcing to the assembled audience how ape-shit they were over this cool new volunteer thing, and, like, how they were gonna volunteer the following an all:

  • Bogus journalist and former pop star, Cokie Roberts, volunteered to appear at the next White House Correspondents Dinner singing her 50's hit single about herself, "Cokie, Cokie, Lend Me Your Comb."

  • Bill Gates volunteered to reveal his dark side in a new comic strip which he'll write and draw himself while totally stoned, called "Dark Bill."

  • "Wired Magazine" volunteered to try to stop being such a stodgy old fart, but immediately reneged, once it got out of the building.

  • "Suck" volunteered to have at least one non-utterly-limp column per month, but skeptics questioned whether they could get it up for that, any more than once a year. Max.

  • The Association of American Logicians volunteered to ask Fuzzy Zoeller "to volunteer to change [his] fucking name immediately, so as not to cast any further aspersions on the good name of fuzzy logic."

After the speeches and declarations of volunteerism, special workshops were held, for the very wealthy, covering such topics as, "How to declare compassion fatigue as a tax deduction," and "How to pretend like you think your volunteers are actual human beings."

Special workshops were also held for poor slob future volunteers of America, on such topics as "How to act like you really care about the cause you're volunteering for, when all you really wanna do is just get in, get laid, and get outta there, as fast as possible."

After the workshops, everybody grabbed a nail and a hammer and a piece of wood and a photographer, and started hammering nails into the pieces of wood and making the photographers take a picture of it. To show, you know, how hard they were working, FOR ZERO PAY!!!, to advance the cause of, you know, pieces of wood having nails sticking out of them.

Of course, despite all the good feelings and the hope and light and courage and all the good works that were spewed out during the volunteer summit, still, the old creepy, fucking, dour, negative, anything-for-a-buck news media was still all, like, you know, all cynical about it. An all.

[Jesus. When're those guys gonna' lighten the fuck up and start seein' the "good" in people?]

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