Wednesday, April 28, 1999
  Getting royally shit-faced cures EVERYTHING, study finds

Sequences or Consequences, New Mexico - (Apr 28) - Drinking lots and lots and lots of Cabernet Sauvignon everyday, may apparently just happen to prevent cancer, heart attack, stroke, and the propensity to drive or ski at a high rate of speed into coniferous trees, according to an MIT researcher who dreamt last night that she couldn't fall asleep, then woke up -- and it was true!

In an editorial in the medical journal In Her Own Mind, Dr. Rebecca Sunnybrook, of Screwdriver Hospital Research Center in Just-Plain-Consequences, New Mexico, says that Cabernet Sauvignon "like, gets you all shit-faced, an all, which has been proven conclusively to turn you into somebody who's too busy stumbling around looking for his ski boots to actually get it together to go out and actually ski or drive into a tree at a high rate of speed, or off a high overpass where, if he's lucky, his old beat up GEO Metro sails slowly down and merges cleanly with traffic on the southbound 15, landing in an open space between Toyotas, and only bouncing a couplea times, losing no more than a few mph and either a door or the trunk, and which, if that doesn't happen, then, by comparison, cancer, heart attack, and stroke are nothing, and so obviously won't happen because why would they even fucking bother, given the late inning and the lop-sided score?

Also something about cholesterol. But who's counting?

"The HDL or 'good' cholesterol and the LDL or 'bad' cholesterol," Dr. Sunnybrook began, but then broke down muttering something incoherent about spiritual and metaphysical software solutions to global corporate business hardware problems.

Fresh oranges are flown in from Florida each day to make the famous screwdrivers that Screwdriver Hospital is famous for and from which it derives its name and by means of which doctors and patients are allowed to bond over the drunken sobbing admission that neither of them knows what they fuck they're doing but everything's still gonna be the fuck alright.

Cabernet Sauvignon is known for its ability to get people royally shit-faced. Its full-bodied flavor is reminiscent of the time when restaurants specializing in tongue and lung showed films that began with the warning: "The following film contains scenes of violence. Puerile discretion is advised."

Mounting research coming from leading research centers like Bloody Mary Hospital Research Center in Bloody Mary, New Mexico, and Smith and Wesson Hospital Research Center in Truth or Smith and Wesson, New Mexico, have conclusively proven that getting and staying royally shit-faced every day, greatly reduces the risk of not falling out a window and thereby eliminating the possibility of heart attack, stroke, cancer, or becoming the kind of pitcher they put in just to hit people, or the kind of upscale lawyer to the rich and famous who can retire after only 2 years of specializing in only breast implant and removal application form fill-out services.


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