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Science: Bug Found In Doppler Effect --
Cosmology, Astrophysics, Back In The Shit Can
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found at:
New
England Journal of Cosmology
Suggested by: heatsync
posted: 59 light minutes ago
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"I knew there was something fishy about a so-called
scientific discipline," heatsync
writes, "where every
so often they make a "discovery" that totally wipes out
everything they've fervently believed for the last 400 years
-- again! Now, a bug, just discovered in the so-called
Doppler effect, has cast this bastard offshoot of the
ancient science of astrology, once more into the disrepute
it so aptly deserves. In a world where the absolute cutting
edge of science is only right about tomorrow's weather 50%
of the time and nobody knows who shot a US President in
broad daylight (and in real-time, and on the macroscopic
level of reality) in 1963, you gotta be a little suspicious
when some wannabe body of knowledge with "astro-" in its
name, claims to KNOW the precise composition of the universe
2 nanoseconds into the Big Bang, 15 billion years ago."
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READ COMMENTS: 0 filtered comments out of 3,255 total
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Religion: Top Value Divinity School Adds
Exciting New Course Offerings
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found at: Top Value DS
Catalogue
Suggested by: Rev H. Mosher,
pres, TVDS
posted: in the beginning
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"I knew there was something wrong with divinity," Rev
Mosher
writes, "when my divinity school, Top Value Divinity
School, was only showing up on Google searches for words
like porno, and f**k, but never for words like school or
d*v*n*ty. That's why we've decided to add several (I won't
know how many till I finish writing this) exciting new
course offerings. First there is "Playing the Canonization
Game," which shows you how to navigate the tricky
terrain of being made an official Saint in
your own lifetime without even getting your
hands dirty. (Hint: Be prepared for endless Papal schmooze-fests.)
Then, by popular demand, we are adding a new course that has
become a staple of all modern divinity schools, "Divine Is
Dead." This is all about the actor, Divine, and how he is
now, you know, DEAD. No Divinity School can be complete
without this course, almost by definition. And also, by
popular demand, I will be teaching the course "How to Fuck
Over Rival Religions of Love and Brotherhood Before They
Fuck You Over." This is another must-take course for any
theologian wishing to navigate these troubled times when
every loser and his undeserving brother is trying to hop
aboard the unconditional love and brotherhood bandwagon.
Feh."
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Techno-Theology: Christ's Clone Born With
Stigmata: Lamarckianism Resurrected!!
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found at: The New
England Journal of Theogenomics
Suggested by: stairwaytomorestairways
posted: .00163 generations ago
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In a stunning reversal," stairwaytomorestairways
writes, "it now appears that, at least in the
instance of savior crucifixion stigmata, acquired traits are
lamarckian inheritable. This remarkable discovery, acheived
by cloning Christ using DNA fragments from the Shroud of
Turin, could overthrow decades of genetic and molecular
understandings of the nature of life, and explain why
nothing ever fucking works. EVER! Of course the experiment
must be replicated many times before it becomes law, first
on non-saviors and then, eventually, on traits other than
crucifixion stigmata." [Fortunately this final verification
will take many years, during which time we will not yet have
to admit that even DNA has been lying its ass off to us, and
life really doesn't, you know, fucking exist.]
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Culinary Politics: Don't Bogart That Foetus, My Friend
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found at: Washington Times
Suggested by: rite2lite
posted: 1 month ago
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"In what is being heralded," rite2lite
writes, "as the left's revenge against those secret
right-wing underground societies that gather in remote
warehouses to dine on the rare delicacies of the Endangered
Species Act, the Washington Times reports, this week, on the
spread of secret left-wing underground cults that gather in
urban lofts to dine on the abundance of delicately aborted
foetuses of incestualized daughters and mistresses of
ultra-rich ultra right-wing reactionary capitalist shitbag
motherfuckers." [Fortunately, most of us middle-of-the-road
motherfuckers are still more than content with whatever
Betty Crocker and Chef Boy-Ar-Dee want to shove in a can.]
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READ COMMENTS: 0 filtered comments out of 1 total
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Bio-Lit: Dostoevsky's Clone's Crime And
Punishment Kicks Original's Ass
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found at: New England Journal
of Biology of Literature Studies
Suggested by: Rashkolnitron
posted: 2005
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"In an experiment designed to accurately measure the
relative effects of nature vs. nurture in the famous
Russian novel Crime and Punishment," rashkolnitron
writes, "the novel's author, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, was
cloned from DNA fragments found in his 19th century St.
Petersburg plumbing. The clone was then aged 40 years in
a week via constant growth hormone IV infusion and reared
on Generic Standard Nurture Protocol 1-C (modeled after an
uneventful middle-class suburban Eisenhower-era
upbringing), and through subliminal dream
instant-messaging, the clone was eventually cajoled into
writing Crime and Punishment. Vast digital
supercomputers were then used to compare this novel,
sentence by sentence, with the original Crime and
Punishment, and lines that matched were tagged as
"generated by nature," while lines that differed were
marked as "generated by nurture." Lines beyond comparison
were assumed to be the result of neither nature nor
nurture, and thus must have been products of the unique
human soul or self, which is beyond incarnation, DNA,
matter, this posting, and the pay grade of anybody in the
room reading this, as we speak. These lines were collected and combined
into a 3rd novel which is presumed to be the novel that Dostoyevsky REALLY WANTED
TO WRITE, but his genes and environment relentlessly
prevented him from doing so. Unfortunately, the
experimenters became so caught up in the runaway
bestseller status of this novel upon publication, and what
with all the trips to Sweden to pick up various Nobel
Prizes for it, and repeated trips to Hollywood to pick up
various Oscars and Emmys and Grammys for it and repeated
trips to New York to pick up endless Tonys and Pulitzers
for it, the original experimental design was let slide and
so, unfortunately, we will never know the effect of nature
vs. nurture in Crime and Punishment, though we do
at least know that without their hindrance, Dostoyevksy
might never have become famous enough to have his greatest
work written 120 years after his death to the immense
acclaim it still wouldn't deserve for another 20 years."
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