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  Science:   Bug Found In Doppler Effect -- Cosmology, Astrophysics, Back In The Shit Can
  found at: New England Journal of Cosmology
Suggested by: heatsync
posted: 59 light minutes ago

"I knew there was something fishy about a so-called scientific discipline," heatsync writes, "where every so often they make a "discovery" that totally wipes out everything they've fervently believed for the last 400 years -- again! Now, a bug, just discovered in the so-called Doppler effect, has cast this bastard offshoot of the ancient science of astrology, once more into the disrepute it so aptly deserves. In a world where the absolute cutting edge of science is only right about tomorrow's weather 50% of the time and nobody knows who shot a US President in broad daylight (and in real-time, and on the macroscopic level of reality) in 1963, you gotta be a little suspicious when some wannabe body of knowledge with "astro-" in its name, claims to KNOW the precise composition of the universe 2 nanoseconds into the Big Bang, 15 billion years ago."

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  Religion:   Top Value Divinity School Adds Exciting New Course Offerings
  found at: Top Value DS Catalogue
Suggested by: Rev H. Mosher, pres, TVDS
posted: in the beginning

"I knew there was something wrong with divinity," Rev Mosher writes, "when my divinity school, Top Value Divinity School, was only showing up on Google searches for words like porno, and f**k, but never for words like school or d*v*n*ty. That's why we've decided to add several (I won't know how many till I finish writing this) exciting new course offerings. First there is "Playing the Canonization Game," which shows you how to navigate the tricky terrain of being made an official Saint in your own lifetime without even getting your hands dirty. (Hint: Be prepared for endless Papal schmooze-fests.) Then, by popular demand, we are adding a new course that has become a staple of all modern divinity schools, "Divine Is Dead." This is all about the actor, Divine, and how he is now, you know, DEAD. No Divinity School can be complete without this course, almost by definition. And also, by popular demand, I will be teaching the course "How to Fuck Over Rival Religions of Love and Brotherhood Before They Fuck You Over." This is another must-take course for any theologian wishing to navigate these troubled times when every loser and his undeserving brother is trying to hop aboard the unconditional love and brotherhood bandwagon. Feh."

READ COMMENTS: 0 filtered comments out of 10 total
  Techno-Theology:   Christ's Clone Born With Stigmata: Lamarckianism Resurrected!!  
  found at: The New England Journal of Theogenomics
Suggested by: stairwaytomorestairways
posted: .00163 generations ago

In a stunning reversal," stairwaytomorestairways writes, "it now appears that, at least in the instance of savior crucifixion stigmata, acquired traits are lamarckian inheritable. This remarkable discovery, acheived by cloning Christ using DNA fragments from the Shroud of Turin, could overthrow decades of genetic and molecular understandings of the nature of life, and explain why nothing ever fucking works. EVER! Of course the experiment must be replicated many times before it becomes law, first on non-saviors and then, eventually, on traits other than crucifixion stigmata." [Fortunately this final verification will take many years, during which time we will not yet have to admit that even DNA has been lying its ass off to us, and life really doesn't, you know, fucking exist.]

READ COMMENTS: 0 filtered comments out of 4,288 total
  Culinary Politics: Don't Bogart That Foetus, My Friend
  found at: Washington Times
Suggested by: rite2lite
posted: 1 month ago

"In what is being heralded," rite2lite writes, "as the left's revenge against those secret right-wing underground societies that gather in remote warehouses to dine on the rare delicacies of the Endangered Species Act, the Washington Times reports, this week, on the spread of secret left-wing underground cults that gather in urban lofts to dine on the abundance of delicately aborted foetuses of incestualized daughters and mistresses of ultra-rich ultra right-wing reactionary capitalist shitbag motherfuckers." [Fortunately, most of us middle-of-the-road motherfuckers are still more than content with whatever Betty Crocker and Chef Boy-Ar-Dee want to shove in a can.]

READ COMMENTS: 0 filtered comments out of 1 total
  Bio-Lit: Dostoevsky's Clone's Crime And Punishment Kicks Original's Ass
  found at: New England Journal of Biology of Literature Studies
Suggested by: Rashkolnitron
posted: 2005

"In an experiment designed to accurately measure the relative effects of nature vs. nurture in the famous Russian novel Crime and Punishment," rashkolnitron writes, "the novel's author, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, was cloned from DNA fragments found in his 19th century St. Petersburg plumbing. The clone was then aged 40 years in a week via constant growth hormone IV infusion and reared on Generic Standard Nurture Protocol 1-C (modeled after an uneventful middle-class suburban Eisenhower-era upbringing), and through subliminal dream instant-messaging, the clone was eventually cajoled into writing Crime and Punishment.   Vast digital supercomputers were then used to compare this novel, sentence by sentence, with the original Crime and Punishment, and lines that matched were tagged as "generated by nature," while lines that differed were marked as "generated by nurture." Lines beyond comparison were assumed to be the result of neither nature nor nurture, and thus must have been products of the unique human soul or self, which is beyond incarnation, DNA, matter, this posting, and the pay grade of anybody in the room reading this, as we speak. These lines were collected and combined into a 3rd novel which is presumed to be the novel that Dostoyevsky REALLY WANTED TO WRITE, but his genes and environment relentlessly prevented him from doing so. Unfortunately, the experimenters became so caught up in the runaway bestseller status of this novel upon publication, and what with all the trips to Sweden to pick up various Nobel Prizes for it, and repeated trips to Hollywood to pick up various Oscars and Emmys and Grammys for it and repeated trips to New York to pick up endless Tonys and Pulitzers for it, the original experimental design was let slide and so, unfortunately, we will never know the effect of nature vs. nurture in Crime and Punishment, though we do at least know that without their hindrance, Dostoyevksy might never have become famous enough to have his greatest work written 120 years after his death to the immense acclaim it still wouldn't deserve for another 20 years."

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