Wednesday, April 30, 1997
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Ticketmaster Sues Microsoft Over Who's a Bigger Scumbag

Seattle, WA - (April 30) - Most people always assumed that Ticketmaster was the lowest most motherfucking mafia scumbag murderous baby-killing slimeball company in the history of the world, but recently, you know, some people have been saying, "Hmmm, you know, maybe Microsoft is really a lower, more motherfucking mafia scumbag murderous baby-killing slimeball corporation than even Ticketmaster -- especially when the 'breadth-of-stranglehold' parameter is considered."

So, of course, as soon as Ticketmaster heard this, they figured they better sue the fuck out of Microsoft so there wouldn't be any doubt who the meanest motherfucker really was.

So they did and, in their suit, stated that they had, like, total trademark and copyright ownership of the very concept of being the meanest most motherfucking scumbag company in the history of the world, and that if, by some accident of nature, Microsoft actually was a meaner more motherfucking scumbag of a company than Ticketmaster, then they (Microsoft) would have to, like, back the fuck off. In other words, Microsoft would have to somehow consciously go out and do something to make themselves significantly less of a motherfucking nazi mafia scumbag type corporation -- you know, something like letting their employees go to the bathroom or something.

In response, a spokesman for Microsoft called Ticketmaster a "bunch of motherfucking mafia baby-killing, child-molesting, buncha cocksucking slimeballs and motherfuckers."

The spokesman also mentioned that Microsoft had sent its crack negotiating team of Alberto Fujimori and Janet Reno, "to, like, go smoke some crack and then go cut their motherfucking slimeball heads off. [Ticketmaster's motherfucking slimeball heads off, that is.] They don't call 'em 'TicketBastards' for nothing." The Microsoft spokesman said. "We're doing a public service, here."

The suit was adjudicated or whatever, today, at either Martha and the Vandella's Court or at the Supreme's Court, but suddenly, just as Diana Ross, the chief justice of the Supremes, or Martha Vandella herself, was about to pronounce the decision of the court, a huge burst of anti-matter, spewing out of the center of the Milky Way, came along and cancelled everybody out, leaving absolute nothingness.

Larry Ellison of Sun Microbrainstems, was so overjoyed at the prospect of now being the No. 1 most motherfucking etc etc corporation in world history, he promptly forgot all about pretending to buy Apple.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F