Thursday, May 1, 1997
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Bogus Lesbian Show Sparks Massive Riots

TVland, CA - (May 1) - Tens of Millions of highly pissed-off Americans took to the streets, late last night, all across the nation, to protest the abject failure of ABC and Ellen DeGeneres to deliver on their promise of HOT!! HOT!! 9-XXXXXXXX-RATED -- HARD-CORE LESBIAN SEX, last night, at 9:00 PM, on ABC.

Astro-conman, Stephen Hawkings, may have summed it up best when he said, "I was expecting a big bang singularity of infinite density -- perhaps a whole vast field of singularities against a background of the singular duality. But I was profoundly disappointed. -- In other words, like, where the fuck was the beaver-to-beaver, labia-licking lesbo lovefest I was promised???"

Pope John Paul George'nringo, the TV reviewer for Time, Newsweek, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, CNN, Wired, Fox News, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNBC, PBS, The Washington Post and AP, who's also one of the world's leading authorities on lesbian TV, in his review, asked the question, "Yes, but where are the strap-on dildos? Where are the synchronized c*mming scenes? The strap-on Sappho slams? Where is the face-sitting oral madness?"

Famed spiritual cult-leader, Deepak Chopra, was most pissed about "the absence of any, you know, sizzling snatch suckers, or clit-to-clit hooch humps.... I mean, maybe I just missed it all when I went out to get a brewski from the fridge," Chopra stated, in his fake Indian accent, during a talk given to PBS "viewers like you," on the subject of his latest book, "The Soul is a Hard-Core Lesbo Muff-Dive."

Following the massive world-wide rioting and the uniformly pissed-off reviews, ABC promptly cancelled Ms DeGeneres' show, "Ellen," which is about this chick who works in a bookstore or whatever, and every week tries to come up with some new excuse to come up with some new, exciting way to come out as a lesbian or as some other sexual predilection which the show's writers invent from whole cloth each week.

Anne Heche, Ms DeGeneres' recent, uh, "love interest," promptly announced that she'd realized, just last night, that she wasn't really a lesbian, after all, and would be coming out as a heterosexual, again, any day now, and also announced she was "totally, eternally in love with, and will soon be marrying, like, Brad Pitt or Robert DeNiro, or Richard Gere, or someone like that."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F