Friday, May 1, 1998
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Viagra Stumbles: $10-A-Pop Placebo Exposed

Viagra City, NY - (May 1) - Pharmaceutical manufacturer, Pfizer Inc., of Modesto, California or Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, or Carson City, Nevada, or wherever, admitted, today, that its US$10.00 a pill, mega-platinum, Number-One-with-a-bullet, bestselling drug of all time, Viagra (named after the fortuitous digital convergence of a waterfall and a bag of lawn fertilizer), was really just "a little, you know, sugar mixed with, like, some cornstarch, or something."

"Ha, ha, ha," said Joe Pfizer, president of Pfizer Inc., inventors of the Number-One-with-a-bullet bestselling dick drug of all time, Viagra, named after the elementary particle of life which operates, of course, utterly contrary to the elementary particle of gravity. "Joke's on you, yah buncha impotent dickheads."

Pfizer went on to explain how the whole Viagra hoax wasn't really a hoax at all. "No. It was really," said Pfizer, "just a way to get all these impotent losers out of the closet so we could find out who they were and blackmail their impotent asses off. Unfortunately there was a major placebo effect goin' on here, and so many people convinced themselves that it worked, that, like Tinkerbell, or whoever, it actually, you know, did work!"

According to Pfizer's accounting department, however, "If the drug shows a 50% placebo effect, that means 50% of the people who use it, suddenly stop being impotent losers, which means we lose all that revenue stream cause we can't blackmail them anymore. However, if we simply replace that lost revenue stream with the revenue stream from actual sales of the drug, and adjust the price per pill so the second stream is equal to what the first would have been, then the drug itself becomes the blackmail, and we actually come out ahead -- because, now, there's 50% fewer blackmail letters to send out, times 32 cents per letter for postage, plus envelope, stationery, and the cost of licking everything."

According to Monica (speaking of the cost of licking everything) Lewinsky, "Viagra means that impotent people will now have a chance to reproduce and create more impotent offspring who will just take more and more Viagra and produce more and more impotent offspring until, soon, EVERYONE will be impotent.

Then it'll just be a simple matter to wipe out the entire human race by saying, "Hey, ya buncha self-deluded impotent losers -- it's just a fucking PLACEBO!"

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