Monday, May 3, 1999
  Global burger flippers now need advanced degrees

Global Or Consequences, NM - (May 3) - The MacDonalds Corporation of America, makers of MacDonald's burgers, and resellers of Coca Cola colored water and sugar, announced today that all current employees would be fired, and all new employees will be required to have multiple masters and Ph.d degrees in physics, molecular biology, information science, cognitive science, and a few others too numerous to mention.

"On account of the new-fangled global economic 21st century information age an' all, " said MacDonald's founder and CEO, Country "Joe" MacDonald, "burger flipping is now gonna be totally like this thing where everything happens temporally in ultra ultra-slo-mo, and spatially in ultra-nano. So the person who flips your burger at MacDonald's is gonna have to be operating in the sub-microscopic ranges of Time and Space and at quantum levels of thought, perception, language processing and emotion, requiring advanced understanding of the elementary particles of understanding itself."

MacDonald's stated that as a result of all this advanced complex knowledge required by 21st century global economic burger flippers, they would have to make about $275.50 an hour, and though the price of a burger would stay at 99 cents, the price of a large Coke would have to rise to about $154.95.

"This is a trend you will be seeing everywhere," said MacDonald, bending over to scrape the excess crystal meth off his shoe with a putty knife, "where eventually a vanguard of high paid zen workers functioning under a whole new covenant with Time, will lead the rest of the population into an ever-widening variety of new possible covenants with Time, whereby people will begin to experience each microsecond as the MPEG-2 decompression of its former self, and no longer see each other as other than temporary deformations in Space and thus no longer the putrid nexus of many egregious behaviors on wheels or on a shingle."

GM transitions to new business model

General Motors Corporation, the inventor of the '56 Chevy and owner of the film rights to the '81 Camaro, announced today that it will gradually transition itself into a slightly different business space where it can offer a better, you know, "value proposition" to its fucking customers.

"We will be opening a worldwide chain of General Motors restaurants," said General Motors CEO General Joe Motors, "where all the food will look and taste like pistons and dirty spark plugs and oil filters instead of, like, duck and pea pods."

According to Motors, instead of sitting at tables, restaurant patrons will sit inside old gutted-out Chevy Novas and Buicks and Oldsmobiles, where they'll eat off the rat-carpeted floors.

"All current production of cars will cease," said Motors, "and all vehicles currently on the road will be recalled and gutted (if not already gutted by the owner through 'normal' use) and go to help fill the predicted voracious demand for General Motors Restaurants world-wide."

Researchers at the International Department of Research Departments claim that by 2002 the increased demand for old vehicles for restaurants will leave no cars left on the road, and nowhere left to go. Simple, lo-altitude mag-lev devices will carry people back and forth between GM Restaurants where they'll eat in a car, and their homes, where they'll sleep in a VCR.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC