Monday, May 4, 1998
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People Piss On Pop Culture

LA, NY - (May 4) - According to a breaking news story on CNN or in last November's Newsweek, the so-called "American people" have apparently taken a nice long leak or dump on their own so-called "pop" culture.

Although one spokesman for the American people responded to the accusations by claiming it was "just a way to try to keep up with the Europeans, who will soon roll out their own exciting new 'common currency,' the Eurine," another spokesman for the American people claimed that this was all happening because the American people just needed some kinda "hero" really bad.

"They need someone to lead them in running through the De La Turette's Syndrome Fight Song -- if you know what I mean," the spokesman, Rebecca Kramer, stated.

She also claimed the American people needed new celebrities to lead them to new unified field theories of utter stupidity, ugliness and brutality in everyday life.

Disease Caused By Treatment

An article in this month's American Journal of New England Medicine reveals that researchers have known for many years, now, that the single cause of all disease is actually treatment itself.

"Most people only think they are sick," said Dr. Rebecca Kramer, head of research at John Hotchkiss University. "After all, as everyone knows, life is just the placebo effect writ large and in reverse. So when people come to us for help, the first thing we do is clear up their reverse-placebo-driven delusions right away, and then make sure they really get sick.

Kramer claimed the goal of her institute was "justice for Nature, not for individual people."

"It isn't fair to Nature," she explained, "for certain individuals to have all the glory and grandeur of the full-blown symptomatology of, say, psychotic breakdown, while experiencing none of the downside of actually having the fucking disease."

The exciting new medical breakthrough was sparked by the accidental discovery that digital rectal exams cause prostate cancer, and that mammograms cause breast cancer.

Replacement For Bogus Viagra Found

Only days after the hot new dick drug, Viagra, had been shown to be an utter fucking worthless load of placebo bullshit, a brand new hot new cure for being an impotent dickhead, has, uhhhh, arisen, to take its place.

"A brand new hot new cure for being an impotent dickhead, has, uhhhh, arisen, to take Viagra's place," Rebecca Kramer, head of research at the Tommy Lee Institute for the Study of Tommy Lee's Cock, told a rabid group of reporters, early today.

"The exciting new cure for being an impotent dickhead is you simply get in your pickup truck with your shotgun and your dog and a can of gasoline, drive onto the busiest freeway in LA, stop traffic, set your truck and yourself on fire, run out burning, remove your clothes, and then go back and get the shotgun out of the back of the truck, put it in your mouth, and blow your motherfucking impotent brains out. Case closed.

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