Tuesday, May 6, 1997
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Clinton Flees to Mexico

Tijuana, Baja California - (May 6) - Ex-President Clinton held a surprise press conference in Tijuana, early this morning, to announce that he wouldn't be returning to the US from Mexico any time soon.

"Come and get me, you buncha lame FBI fucks!" Clinton taunted the lame buncha fucks division of the US Justice Department, known as the Fucked-up Buncha Incompetents.

"Tell Webster Hubbell and Jim McDougal they can sing all the Einsturzende Neubauten lyrics they want to ultra-right-wing, tobacco-lobby butt-boy, Ken Starr, and ultra-conservo airhead political hack, Dan Burton, and good-old-boy, Tennessee Actor-Senator, Joe Don Baker, or whoever that cracker asshole is."

Clinton, toking away on a big fat joint of top-grade Mexican marijuana as he spoke, liberally quoted English or French aristocrat and PR genius, Alexis de Tokeville, the inventor and namesake of, you know, toking away on a big fat joint.

"You know, de Tokeville, the inventor of the big fat toke," said Clinton, "Had this to say about Mexico, over 150 years ago: 'The weather's warm, the babes are hot, and the drugs haven't been cut yet by those fucking slimeball money-grubbing American capitalist scumbag drug pushers. So, like, why bother, dude?'

"And so, my fellow Mexicans and dudes, that's precisely why I'm not gonna bother going back to DC where, for one thing, you gotta notify the fucking Secret Service every time you wanna do a little acid or even snort a little coke," the President finished, seguing neatly into another nice big long fat toke off the joint, which he then passed to Mexican President, Ernesto "Che" Zedillo.

"And speaking of corruption," Clinton continued, after a brief pause while he waited to make sure Zedillo was gonna pass the joint back to him, "That's one thing I love about this country, besides the babes the drugs and the weather. In Mexico, nobody gets pissed at you for bein', like, a corrupt mother-fucker. It's just part of the fabric of everyday life, here, so people don't get all, you know, self-righteous about it. It's an honorable profession in Mexico, just like capitalism, the family, and cold-blooded murder are all honored in the US."

Clinton also stated that he'd recently "entered into merger talks with the one guy who escaped the Republic of Texas siege-shootout thing or whatever."

"The partnering of Mexico and the Republic of Texas will give us a force strong enough to take back New Mexico and Arizona," said Clinton, "And, from there, and using my extensive contacts in the Hollywood community, it should be no problem to take back California as well. And, without California, the US will be vulnerable to a dual-prong, pincer-like, co-ordinated attack from Canada and Mexico, which I am presently negotiating with Prime Minister Chretien, as we speak.

"After the war of liberation, our new unified, continental country will be called CanaMex, and will be governed by a triumvirate of President Zedillo, Prime Minister Chretien, and myself. But, at this time, I'd just like to let the American people know that they have absolutely nothing to fear from this new, uh, re-alignment, since we'll still definitely need lots of baby-sitting, house-cleaning, and gardening done down here -- certainly enough to provide, you know, hundreds of new jobs for all the fucking smart-asses you're churning out at places like Stanford, MIT, and MTV."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F