Friday, May 7, 1999
  2 Scummiest, Shittiest, Slimiest, Ugliest, Filthiest, Most Putrid Corporations In World History
Join "Forces"!!!!

Redmond, WA - (May 7) - Microsoft CEO, Jenny Jones, and AT&T CEO, Jenny Jones, announced today that the two companies....

Jones later told reporters, "Blow me! $5 billion dollars! 'Nuff said."

Same old thing passed off as something new
Denver, CO - (May 7) - The same old thing was passed off as something new, again today, when the search for the lost opening from this fucking world into any other world at all veered sharply off course again today when a new book on why something is something and not something else was released today to wild acclaim and a lawsuit from George Lucas, whose new zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit "prequel" to his first zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit film and its two piece of shit zillion-dollar-grossing sequels will, apparently, consist of lines, shapes, colors, textures, and sounds -- signifying nothing. Apparently, some of the sounds will be words. Other sounds will be, you know, "music."

"Fuck AT&T and the horse it rode in on!" the spokesman for the book in the last paragraph told reporters. "Fuck AT&T's slimy motherfucking ass."

Later, in a debate over who was telling his lie better than the other guy's lie, a spokesman for yesterday interrupted to announce that today is just the prequel of tomorrow, so why fucking bother?

Then he introduced Lucas who, he claimed, "has a special treat for all his fans."

"I have a special treat for all the fans of my new zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit new prequel," said Lucas. "On opening day, select theaters ostensibly screening my new zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit new prequel around the country will be blown up 3 minutes into the coming attractions trailer for my next new zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit sequel to the current new piece of shit prequel. Meanwhile, in other select theaters screening my new zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit new prequel around the country, the audience will be gunned down 3 minutes into the trailer, instead, to avoid loss of property in venues that weren't able to take out accidentally-getting-blown-up insurance yesterday.

"In the few remaining theaters where the building is not blown up and the audience is not gunned down, they will get to see the 3-minute trailer for the zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit next sequel to the piece of shit new prequel to my former zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit film, over and over and over again, till they puke and die."

"Fortunately they will have all already bought all the merchandise anyway," Lucas added.

According to sources, Lucas is being forced to blow up all the theaters showing his new piece of shit zillion-dollar-grossing prequel and/or gun down all its audiences because, apparently, his new zillion-dollar-grossing piece of shit prequel never really got, uhh, you know, like, finished -- or even made, and all there really is on those massive reels of 150 millimeter film is really just the same 5 frames over and over again of Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" just starting to say, "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" -- albeit with an all new sound track by Tangerine Dream.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC