Thursday, May 8, 1997
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Cannes, France - (May 8) - The Cannes Film Festival opened today -- or was it yesterday?

The theme of this year's festival, "Die, you spineless bastards!" is, according to festival Chairman and co-founder, Isabel Adjani, "A special tribute to the kind of big beefy guy who works out all day and then goes out and whenever he hears people say, 'Exercise is a cure for depression,' gets really pissed and smashes their fucking heads in, with a folding chair."

The Cannes Film Festival provides a forum each year, where a buncha soulless shitbags can come together to try to convince each other and the world, that the empty cliches they reprocess, ad fucking nauseam, are worth, not only money, but also respect and admiration.

This dance goes on for several days, but, eventually, the right person takes off her clothes and "spreads 'em," and the shitbags are given their money, and everybody goes home happy.

The theme of this year's festival is, "Violence is so fucking lame," and mean motherfuckers like Bruce Willis and Stevie Segall, will be on hand to kick the fucking shit out of anybody who thinks it isn't.

The Cannes Film Festival was established in 1947 as a way for the absolute creepiest people on earth to gather together in one place, in order to taunt everyone else for not having the fucking guts to take this one golden opportunity to blow them all to shit in one quick, simple golden glowing percussive convulsive moment.

The theme of this year's festival is about, like, how there's all these journalistic moanings these days about all the journalistic moaning these days about the lack of news about all the journalistic moanings these days.

The Cannes Film Festival provides an opportunity for the utter nobody to undress in public and maybe launch a career -- and this year was no exception. Even Christ herself was there, shaking her booty.

The theme of this year's festival is "The automated music has already come on," which, as everybody knows, is the immediate precursor to the coming of the 4 Oarsmen of the Apocalypse: Happy, Doc, Bobo, and Antidisestablishmentarianismo.

The Cannes Film Festival is the kind of place where, say, Christ will just stand there, collaring people as they enter, and sticking her nose right in their face so they have to believe her when she tells them how totally and absolutely they've fucking misunderstood.

The theme of this year's Festival, "Truck bombers walk amongst you," is a special tribute to how there really is no life or spirit -- only lots of bitchin' design, and meta lies told to search bots by bogus META tags.

The Cannes Film Festival, this year, will show only films specifically about how everything after "The Big Bang" is really just the simplest mathematical function, run amok, starring and directed by people who are, somehow, still compulsive, long after their death.

Said Chairman Adjani, "I accept the fact that not all fadeouts are dictated by the hegemons and oligarchs who inhabit the upper reaches of our uncompression..."

She paused for a moment. "There was more," she said, "But I fell asleep trying to remember it, and started dreaming it, instead, but now I don't remember the dream, cause I'm too busy trying to tell you this, before I forget what I'm saying now, even as I speak. If you know what I mean."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F