Friday, May 8, 1998
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CNN Stumble Reveals History Of The World

Atlanta, GA - (May 8) - Researchers at the CNN Institute of Technology announced, today, that they had accidentally uncovered the complete history of the world.

According to CNN White House Correspondent, Wolf Blitzer, the history of the world began with a fertilizer truck bomb race and ended when the drivers slowed to about 80, tied down the gas pedal, rolled out the door and let the machines finish the race on their own, unattended, somewhere farther down the freeway.

"Also," said Blitzer, "the history of the world does not take place in Time. But if it did, its duration would only be a single lifetime, and everything else would be a lie."

Blitzer went on to explain how the history of the world could be generated, time and again, from any starting condition, using only a single simple algorithm or so-called "defining principle."

"The only rule required to generate a new history of the world," said Blitzer, "is that 20% of the population must be able to handle reality gracefully, while the remaining 80% of the population must be absolutely unable to handle reality at all."

Donna Kelley, subbing for Blitzer who had to be suddenly called away on assignment or whatever, went on to explain how the 20% who can handle reality, have to try to convince the 80% who absolutely cannot, that, actually, you know, they actually can.

"Now, half of the 80%, or 40%," said Kelley, "can be conned into believing the 20%, but the other 40% can't be fooled for a minute, and, as a result, they hate the 20% even more, and look with serious disdain on the 40% who've just sold themselves out so cheaply."

Kelley went on to explain how this hatred and disdain was all that was necessary to generate the same history of the world over and over again, every time.

"So, like, why fucking bother?" she concluded. "Except for, I guess, like, why fucking not?"

Bernard Shaw, subbing for Kelley, who had to be forcibly removed from the set, went on to explain how, of the 40% that the 20% have conned into believing they can actually handle reality when they really can't, half, or 20%, eventually realize they've been conned, and then they hate the original 20% even more than the 40% who couldn't be conned in the first place hate the 20%.

"And this hatred," said Shaw, re-lighting Judy Woodruff's crack pipe, as he spoke, "added to the first hatred, is enough to generate the appearance of a different history of the world every time -- though everybody knows it isn't really any different, but nobody lets on, so everybody thinks they're the only one that really knows it isn't any different."

"Which means," Woodruff interjected, fitting her words in between the slow choppy exhalation of crack smoke, "that, in general, everyone justifiably thinks that everybody else doesn't know, you know, what the fuck they're talking about."

Woodruff went on to summarize how that, thanks to the history of the world, we would always be certain to find ourselves in the kind of equilibrium circumstance where every moment is basically a battle of 40% of the people (half of whom could handle reality and half of whom couldn't but had been convinced they could) vs. another 40% of the people who knew they couldn't handle reality and, frankly, didn't want to even bother trying.

"And the battleground for this battle, or the spoils of this war -- whichever," said Woodruff, "are the hearts and minds and souls or whatever of the 20% of the people who really couldn't handle reality but had once been temporarily conned into believing they actually could, then gradually realized they couldn't, but who, frankly, given the opportunity and the right line, might just be conned, one more time, into believing they, you know, could."

"So really," Shaw interrupted, "the history of the world is just about two 40% groups on either side, fighting over 20% in the middle who are pissed about being conned, yet ready and willing to gladly be conned again."

Chrysler, Daimler-Benz Merge or Something

Daimler-Benz, which makes cars or something, will apparently buy or merge with or whatever the Chrysler Corporation, which, apparently, makes cars.

The new merged company, which will become the most merged company in the world, will specialize in making, you know, cars.

"This is the greatest day in the history of capitalism and this is the biggest deal in the history of the cosmos," said Benz chairman Verner Von Braun or Klaus Kinsky. "This deal will allow our 2 companies to go from making, you know, cars, to making, you know, cars."

Cars are apparently those metal things with license plates and bumper stickers that say "I'd rather be home committing incest."

In order to achieve the vast economies of scale, or whatever, implied by this merger, the new lean, mean merged company will immediately shut down the division of Chrysler that makes air conditioning units for 1950's quiz show scandal isolation booths.

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