Friday, May 9, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Tiny "Bugs" Are Chewing
Up Reality!

Somerville, MA - (May 9) - A 5-year study, recently completed by researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge, Massachusetts, has proven conclusively that what most manufacturers refer to as "insignificant bugs" in such hi-tech products as microprocessors and computer software, are, in reality, already beginning to take a noticeable and serious toll on, well, reality.

"Glitches in human cognition are also starting to appear," said Rebecca Firestone, an associative professor in the MIT Department of Neuro-Cogno-Blah-Blah, and director of the study. "But it's still unclear whether these are a direct result of, say, all the bugs in the Intel Pentium, or whether they're just the indirect result of the impact on cognition of a reality whose structure and soul has been so thoroughly distorted and mangled by, say, the effect of all those creepy, crappy, slow, cumbersome, bug-ridden Microsoft Operating systems and motherfucking pieces of applications software."

"These fucking bugs," said Professor Rebecca Kramer, a consultant to the task force or whatever, "Are slowly, steadily, unrelentingly, turning us into a mere simulation of a people, where the least emotional hurt can become a starving, plague-ridden, war-infested nation where endless novels and songs and CD-ROMs of suffering are produced -- each, Number 1 with a bigger bullet than the last, yet not one purchased copy is ever read, or listened to, or watched, let alone removed from its fucking shrinkwrap."

Though sources at Intel and Microsoft were quick to admit that bugs and security holes and inefficiencies do exist in their products, a researcher at Intel was also quick to point out that "Whether by nature or by nurture, it turns out that the bugs in the hardware, just perfectly absolutely happen to perfectly absolutely balance out all the bugs and flaws and stupidities in the software, so that, in the end, the net effect of all our fuckups is absolutely ZERO. Much like everything else. So why fucking bother?"

A source at Microsoft was quick to interject that what this meant simply, in a nutshell, was that "Everything sucks not because of US, but because of YOU. YOU YOU YOU! Get it?"


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F