Monday, May 10, 1999
  Our Moronic Millennium:
The Early Years

In about 7 months, on January 1st, about 5 billion people around the world will suddenly look back and realize that their whole fucking life is now just, like, sooooooo last millennium.

So, before it's too late, here's a nostalgic timeline to help everybody re-live those wacky last 10 centuries which still, somehow, feel like they all just happened only yesterday.

1000 - Indian mathematician, Sridhara, invents the number zero, but is disappointed when people only use it to call each other "you fucking zero!"

Leif Ericson discovers America -- pretends he's a major European cellular company and immediately makes deal with Qualcomm for $10 billion in trinkets.

1021 - St. Vitus dance epidemics ravage Europe -- eventually cured by taking St. John's Wort on St. Patrick's Day in St. John's Cathedral just outside Santa Barbara.

1040 - Macbeth kills Duncan of Scotland and becomes king. Shakesberg writes play about it, but goofs off and takes more than 565 years to get it produced.

1066 -- World famous Norman Conquest or Complex of 1066 -- apparently a buncha Normans invade someplace and act like such a buncha head cases, that the other side lets them win just to get it over with.

Haley's Comet also appears, but everybody's so busy being impressed by how famous the Norman invasion of 1066 is gonna be, they don't even notice Haley's Comet. Also, Haley isn't born until 1925, and doesn't record "Rock around the clock" until 1954.

1071 -- Constantine the African brings Greek Medicine to the West -- Phenobarbital/vodka suicide replaced by the more humane method of simply jumping off the Acropolis or Parthenon.

1096 -- Start of the first crusade -- left-wingers blame availability of cheap illegal swords, but National Sword Association blames it on first-person swordsman video games and violent stained-glass windows.

1100 -- First appearance of Gothic architecture -- Christian Death records "In This Glass House" but gets no airplay and only attains small cult following.

1110 -- First miracle play put on in Dunstable England -- though, basically, it's just a buncha people sitting around onstage talking about what a miracle it is every time Windows 1000 doesn't crash.

1147 -- Failure of the second crusade -- blamed on too many crusaders crusading around on too many Twinkies.

1452 -- Gutenberg invents printing press -- but then immediately de-invents it because of premonition that Tom Wolfe will one day use it to publish autobiography "A Man Full of Himself."

1460 -- Gutenberg invents the internet -- but then immediately de-invents it because modem speeds are only, like, 1 bit per month and downloading the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee Video takes till 1650 or so.

1468 -- AT&T declares bankruptcy after its 10 bits/month broadband service "fails to reach a critical mass of subscriber eyeballs."

1875 -- Uriah Smith invents caller-ID -- labelled a worthless lunatic and loser cause he's invented something nobody can use.

1876 -- In order to not let something as cool as caller-ID go to waste, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC