Monday, May 11, 1998
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Cure For DNA Found!!!

New, England - (May 11) - Death and disease as we know them are, apparently, about to be totally, finally, you know, OVER!!!

This exciting scientific breakthrough was made just this past weekend by after-hours temps, fishing through the wastebaskets at the New England Journal of Medicare Scams, looking for leftover donuts or Twinkies or whatever.

"I thought I saw this, like, chocolate glazed jelly-creme thing underneath some balls of wadded up paper and Q-tips," said Rebecca Kramer, director of the temp cleanup crew that not only does the offices of the New England Journal of Medicare Scams, but also does the offices of the Bethesda Navel Hospital.

"But, when I fished it out, what I thought was a donut, turned out to be this, like, leftover DNA or something -- so I threw it down on the floor and stomped it into the ground, till it was dead."

Apparently Kramer, aware that the dreaded DNA is the number one cause of all death and disease in the world and history, made the scientific leap to the realization that, if we could just stomp or stamp out all DNA, we could stomp or stamp out all death and disease.

"To prove my theory," Kramer continued, "I yanked out my own DNA and stomped it into the, you know, ground, right there, till it was dead. And, to this day, I have never died and continue to live forever -- so, obviously, it works."

News of the discovery has spread rapidly through certain segments of the population, and sanitation departments are already warning they will be unable to dispose of all the dead DNA fast enough, and will therefore be forced to compress it all into a single mass the size of the moon, and rocket these new moons into deep space, each week, strapped to surplus Titan rockets.

Physicists, however, are apparently warning that the continual jettisoning of these huge moon-sized balls of pure compressed DNA into deep space, will, by Newton's 2nd or whichever law, irrevocably change the orbit of the earth which, in turn, will cause wildly fluctuating global cataclysms of Weather, News, and Sports.

Wired Sold!

Wired, which is, apparently, a magazine or something, was apparently bought or sold by somebody, sometime in the last week or so.

The company that bought it, apparently did so from the company that used to own it, but doesn't any more.

"The company that used to own it doesn't own it anymore," said a spokesman for the company that now owns it. "Now, we own it."

Wired became famous almost overnight cause it is written entirely by people who have just come in after a hard day roping cattle and breaking horses and mending fence on their Montana cattle ranches and can only, apparently, wind down by immediately penning lengthy diatribes on what digital convergence will mean to the delicate art of giving the finger.

It is also famous for being edited entirely by people who have just come in after a hard day's work of trying to get Jerry Garcia to include their latest catch phrase in his next song so they can call themselves "former Grateful Dead lyricists," on their Wired bios.

The company that used to own Wired but doesn't anymore will now, apparently, focus all its efforts and money on its Wired Digital division, which makes the popular Wired Digital Rectal Exam Kits which allow people to give themselves digital rectal exams at home or at the office or while driving down the freeway to work.

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