Monday, May 12, 1997
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IBM Proves Human Brain Is Utter Piece of Shit

NY, NY - (May 12) - According to just about everybody, the defeat of arrogant Russian chessplaying asshole, Gary Kasparov, yesterday, by International Business Machines Corporation of Armonk New Jersey or New York or Boca Raton, Florida or somewhere around there, has proven absolutely conclusively that the human brain is nothing but an utter fucking limp dishrag of flaccid lobotomized sickening goop.

"This proves absolutely conclusively," said IBM President, Steve Jobs or somebody, "That the human brain, which has, for too long now, been nothing but a legend in its own, you know, mind, is really nothing but just a reeking shitbag of dishonesty, stupidity, and ego, whose only claim to logic is, er, gynecologic."

IBM, which, by its own very existence, has already proven conclusively that the human soul, if it exists at all, is nothing more than an utter fucking shitpile of old broken dildos, has long ached to prove that the human brain is an even bigger shitpile of old broken dildos.

"This is a great day for International Business and International Machines," said an IBM spokesman, licking small flecks of crystal meth off her fingertips.

"The human mind is, of course, the #1 enemy of business," she said, "But, before this, machines could only control and contain it for us -- but, now machines are so fast, they can prove the fucking brain out of existence, altogether!"

To celebrate their freedom from the tyranny of the mind, people all over the world ran around, smashing their heads, hard as they could, into brick walls and the sides of UPS trucks.

Said a VCR, "Now that they've been so thoroughly exposed for what they really are, I think it's time for humans to just get their lame asses the fuck off our planet."

Gary Kasparov, the man whose miserable failure essentially wiped out several thousand years of human cerebral self-satisfaction and ostensible evolution, is himself, according to some observers, simply a robot, powered by 256 DEC Alpha Chips running in parallel.

When asked to comment on this statement and on his defeat by a machine, Kasparov appeared so stunned, he could only mutter, "S -> NP + VP."

And when asked for further clarification, testily blurted out, "Jesus, NP -> Det + Adj + Noun; VP -> Verb + NP, you assholes!" and stormed out of the press conference, or whatever.

According to Luke Besson, a representative of Big Blue, the message that comes out of Kasparov's defeat is pretty simple. "The human brain is a turd, so just stop your whining and learn to live with it! You fucking deserve 'Wired.'"

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