Tuesday, May 13, 1997
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100 CEOs Decide: "Not To Be Born Is Best"

Seattle, WA - (May 13) - Last week, that guy that runs that crappy software company in Seattle or wherever, and the slimy, smarmy, patronizing, disingenuous, hypocritical Vice President of the United States met with America's 100 most sociopathically brutal CEOs to not only joke about all the cold-blooded murders they've gotten away with scot-free, recently, but to also decide how creepy the future will be for the rest of us.

These soulless corporate shitbags had many interesting proposals for how they will keep everybody "entertained" while butt-fucking them to death, and below is a compendium of some of their fondest hopes and dreams for how much more stupid your life will be in the future.

The soulless shitbags' names and the names of their death-spewing companies and other identifying marks and quirks have been changed or rearranged (or not changed at all, sometimes), so as not to cause or create or be whatever:

Rebecca Firestone, head coach of the Hewlett Packers, said that, in the future, it'd be a lot better if celebrities would give out small vials of their personal bodily fluids, instead of doing the tired old celebrity autograph signing thing anymore.

A. Dee Do Plumbing President, Jack Stefan, said that the motto of America's national bird, the bald ego, should be changed from "Caviar Ergo Sum" to "Caveat Empty."

AT&T President, Ice-T&T, said there should be entertainment therapists who, "instead of talking to you when you come to their office at $300 per hour, just, like, give you a few magazines and books and turn on some TV sets and some radios and CD players and even some vacuum cleaners and osterizers and maybe even sing and dance a little themselves or go down and drag people in off the street to sing and dance for you, even if it's only, like, "Louie, Louie," or an a cappella stab at the Aztec Camera cover of "Jump."

Turner-Warner President, Warner Turner, said that "Everybody should be nicknamed 'Cops and Robbers,' cause they used to be cops -- but now they're robbers."

Random House President, Rebecca Kramer, said there should be a whole cable network, or a whole network cabal, where, say, someone like David Brinkley would just sit there center stage on camera, not really saying or doing anything, but his stomach rumblings, thanks to the wonders of technology, would be amplified and played through the speaker system in the studio enough to more than adequately compensate, entertainmentwise, for the utter lack of any movement or words or anything else at all whatsoever in the frame.

Asylum Records president Jack Stefanovich, said there should be more upfront admittedly bogus world literary movements like Abstract Compressionism.

Somebody said the company that makes Jello should merge with the company that bottles Smirnoff and the company that extracts phenobarbital from tropical rainforests and the company that makes Glad Bags -- if these companies aren't in fact already merged -- and, if they are, then, Jesus, what the fuck are they waiting for!

Then somebody said there should be no more product placements in mass suicides -- and someone said that love should stop being lovelier, the zeroth time around -- someone said that all future data cockpits should be named after the famous writer, Franz Cockpit, -- someone said there had to be a feature length motion picture named after each one of the 92 or so elements of the periodic table of chemical elements, like "Molybdenum," -- someone said that all national anthems should be written and sung only by the Ives Brothers: Burl and Charles; and that the only poet laureates should be the Dickenson Sisters: Angie and Emily; and the only filmmaker laureates should be the Lee Brothers: Spike, Pinky, and Bill.

Someone said The Top 10 Commandments shouldn't have the one about how reviews of films shouldn't have judgments based on, say, the fact that the lead character didn't say "...fuckin'..." enough -- , and shouldn't have the one about how all responses to all e-mail should simply say: "thanks for your support. Please send phenobarbital."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F