Summer Film Preview:
The Horse Whisperer's Final Steinberg Episode
Film: The Horse Whisperer Meets Steinberg
In the opening of the world famous final episode of the #1 hit TV sitcom of all time, "Steinberg," the eponymous Steinberg wakes up with a cut-off horse head in his bed.
Cut to Montana.
Garth Register Jr., played by Robert Redford, rides into town.
Rebecca Kramer, played by Kristin Scott Thomas, just happens to be in the town that Robert Redford has just happened to ride into.
As Redford/Register rides by, Thomas/Kramer just happens to notice that the horse he's riding in on is the same horse as the cut-off horse head that Steinberg has just woken up with.
Cut back to Steinberg waking up with the cut-off horse head.
Steinberg [screaming]: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Of course, that's just the first millisecond of the Horse Whisperer, but after that, this trite piece of shit immediately heads straight into the toilet.
First, there's the obligatory scene where Billy Drago, alone in a gutted hotel room, stares at the shrunken skull of Trotsky or Freud and lip synchs a Rimbaud soliloquy, with just enough air passing through his vocal cavity so you think you can actually hear what he's saying, but you really can't, you fucking loser.
Of course, "Director" Redford thinks this obligatory Billy Drago soliloquy scene is, like, telling lying corporate shitbags everywhere that they're just lying corporate shitbags everywhere -- but, of course, according to CNN or Newsweak, he really isn't telling lying corporate shitbags anything at all. He's only telling himself. Or, at least, according to the New York Times or the New York Herald-Tribune, he is.
OK, so Redford agrees to take the job, whatever it is, and Steinberg agrees to come out as a lesbian or whatever on his world famous #1 last show of all time, in order not to have to wake up with cut-off horse heads anymore.
But then, like, one day, they're both on the uptown #2, at the same time, in the same car, and Steinberg says to Redford, "Hey, like why don't you come out as a lesbian on my last show instead of me, and I'll do this horse thing in Montana instead of you, since I've already woken up with a cut-off horse head anyway, so how bad can Montana be?"
But when Kristin Scott Thomas hears about this, she gets all pissed cause she realizes she'll now definitely lose the "guess the final Steinberg show" contest she's entered, and if she doesn't win, apparently she'll kill Scarlett Johansson, Sam Neill, Dianne Wiest, and Chris Cooper who are also in the movie for the purpose of being there to kill when she needs someone to kill because she's bummed out about losing the Steinberg contest through no fucking fault of her own.
But then the film starts over and it's, like, OK, so what if Steinberg had missed the uptown #2 that Redford was on, and had bumped into Steve Buscemi instead, and made the deal with him, not Redford? So what would have happened then?!!!
OK, then, while everybody is trying to figure this out, and they're on their way to go see Billy Drago, who, it turns out, is like the "go-to" guy for big cosmic questions like this one -- so, just as they're, like, fishing through their pockets to make sure they have enough subway tokens to get to Billy Drago's house, or whatever, suddenly everything starts rumbling and this big comet hits the earth.
Fortunately Robert Redford is in New York so he gets drowned by the tidal wave, or he would have, but a volcano erupts and throws him into a tornado which lands him in Davenport Iowa, and he's saved from the tidal wave that wipes out New York and the Eastern seaboard.
OK, but then the film reminds you that this only happens if Steinberg misses the Uptown #2. So what happens if he doesn't miss it?
Unfortunately, at that point, this saccharine piece of shit of a movie starts to wallow in its own sanctimonious puke.
Redford buys an airline company and then merges it with a phone company and then merges that with a liquor company, then merges that with a hardcore pornography company, then merges that with a major media conglomerate, then merges that with a major manufacturer of software and automobiles, then merges that with a major HMO-bank.
What a piece of shit this film is. Everything is totally obvious. Redford next leverages all his other holdings to buy every airline in the world. Then he sends all his airplanes into the sky at the same time, and has them all collide head-on with each other, all at precisely the same moment, all doing like about 600 or 700 mph.
OK, so that's the first 5 minutes of this piece of shit of a film.
Then the next three hours of the film is a flashback showing the painstaking mathematical calculations involved in getting all these huge clunky planes flying out of different airports all over the world, to all collide head-on at precisely the same point in time and space.
Then, when all the numbers have been computed and checked and double-checked, they are written out for everybody to see, on large blackboards that stretch around the inner circumference of some unidentified major league baseball stadium.
Then Redford stands at home plate and shouts out, "We love you, Cleveland!! Or Wherever. You're beautiful!!" and the credits roll.
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Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F