Thursday, May 15, 1997
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Winona Ryder's Brother Buys Rupert Murdock's Truck

La Paz, Baja California - (May 15) - According to according, today, has sued or purchased or merged or announced that its latest book or film or presidential candidate, Steven Spielberg or Seagal, today, would no longer quit or resign or launch a whole new concept in telepathy software, today.

"This whole new concept," he said, "Has been spooled automatically through me by loud-mouth assholes in other, far-off dimensions, either parallel to or asymptotic or whatever, with this one."

Apparently, the weak atomic forces of this far-off dimension, allow for whole new product lines which corporate shitbags heretofore haven't even been able to have the fucking balls to even dream of, let alone the, like, uh, m-e-n-t-a-l   c-a-p-a-b-i-l-i-t-i-e-s, to even think of -- if you know what I mean.

According to Steven Spielberg's new film, Luke Skywalker starring Luc Besson as Tony Dow, and Jerry Beavis as the Butt-Pope John Peorge Jawl and Riggio and Tom, who were originally spooled through Jodie Foster, "This new concept will enable whole new realms in new worlds of things -- like the automatic spooling of loud-mouth assholes in other far-off dimensions or in nearby but parallel ones, through real world comic books like Rupert Murdock or Ted Turner or Barry Diller."

"For example," said Larry Ellison, licking the last few flecks of crystal meth off Louis Rossetto's nipple ring, "This whole new dimension, whether or not it comes from a universe which the rest of the cosmos thinks is, you know, a fucking asshole of a universe, or whether or not or, not or whatever, it's allowed Geroge Lucas of luscadfilm to launcha an whoel n enw dimensiton in state of the ari t whole new diensiion in state like fore xample is t's allowed Cokie Robetrs, the most hated woman in tamerica to u launch whewr hwhole new dimensiong sion f books called...."

According to the Pope, who was on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremonies, Larry Ellison broke down laughing so hard, at this point, that he had to be shot up with PCP and removed from the stage.

Cokie Roberts, the most hated woman in America and lesbian lover, as it were, of Carol Doda, the most beloved woman in America, announced her new publishing venture, Real-Time Press, which would be run by her homosexual lover, CD "Rom" Jeremy.

"Real-Time Press," she said, "Has been mnadhe poossiuble becuase a whole new dinension of erealtity ahas been shot thtrogh thei swone oone formn a gbudnch asdholes in aonother diemnansion possibldy paraalel to this one."

Apparently, according to Jodie Foster's Brother's Army or Air Force or whatever, "What's that? Must be a gay and lesbian acid flashback. Hello Ma. I'm on TV."

According to a source who couldn't be quoted for sake of lack of sake of something "All Real-Time Press books are being written WHILE you are reading them. And, of course, they're all written in ULTRA-First Person Sens-u-round."

"This means that WHILE you are reading our books, copy editors and book jacket designers and marketing and promotional people are constantly buzzing around you making decisions g tansna takin g changels or whathever and destributors anre constanlty coming by and lyou knnowkn flexing the tires or kickong tiht ehwahtever, habeit or whataever."

Jack Kerouac, President of Ice-T&T, will direct the film of the book, of course, which'll be being shot even WHILE you're already fucking watching it, so that craft service people will be buzzing around you even as you try to get the sound man out of your way so you can see Robert Deniro butt-fuck Trento Quarrantino for food. But then Edward G Robinson blows it and says that "the Food..., the Food.... the Food is really Burt Lancashiere, President of the AMA, who says dope smoking causes wine drinking which prevents heart attacks, so blow me."

Today's guest columnist, George Will, says, "I just write whatever Christ tells me to write." He will alternate with William Saffire and other corporate shitbag tools, throughout the summer months.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F