Friday, May 16, 1997
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Major Industry Scoop!


Redmond, WA - (May 16) - In a statement last night before the Redmond, Washington Kiwanis Club, longtime member in good standing, Joe Gates, a plumber's helper with A. Dee Do Plumbing, announced that he had once been a catcher on the same little league team as Thomas Lee Hooker, now a junk bond "specialist" with the Seattle investment firm, Transvest Ltd. Needless to say, in the plumbing industry, this is seen as a really big, uh, scoop.

Gates stated that, in 1975, Hooker was the first-string catcher and he, Gates, was the second-string catcher for the Tehatchepee Vicious Little Motherfucks little league team. Gates batted .236 with 0 RBIs and 1 runs scored, in 11 plate appearances. Hooker batted .242 with 2 RBIs and 2 Runs scored in 35 plate appearances. Hooker also had an inside-the-park home run in a game that was called due to rain and not counted in the standings.

Their coach that year, Mr. Murdock, who was later arrested for child molestation on a freight train while under the influence of attempting to sell top government secrets to an underage drug kingpin without the express written consent of the commissioner of major league baseball or his crack baby, stated that he always knew Gates would wind up with his face in other peoples' toilets and that Hooker would wind up as a corporate shitbag.

Murdock, who, today, leads a drug-crazed death cult known as the Vicious Little Motherfucks, is currently residing in an undisclosed southern California town and is believed to be responsible for the violent brawl that broke out late last night between more than 3 dozen celebrities, politicians, corporate CEOs, corporate athletes, corporate shitbags, and members of the robotic, soulless corporate press.

Apparently the brawl began when somebody called somebody else you motherfucking cocksucker or you cocksucking motherfucker. Or else the brawl broke out because of an argument over whether in fact someone had actually called someone you cocksucking mortherfucker or whether that someone had actually, in fact, called the someone else in question, a motherfucking cocsucker. And which was more grammatically apt?

Witnesses to the bystander claimed a source quoted the bible as saying that according to de Toqueville he, in fact, had called him a cocksucking motherfucking piece of something, but the bystander did not know what something that the piece of was of, and so charges had to be dropped, apparently pending notification of next of kin.

When questioned, the President stated he would not get involved in the dispute but was apparently pelted with garbage and debris anyway, by the crowd that had formed to protest the signing of the treaty which would ban importation of the hip hit Peruvian avant-garde cult cinema masterpiece, "Dial 'N' for Entomology."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F