Monday, May 17, 1999
  Lycos getting the fuck outta "that loser portal business"

Lycos, MA - (May 17) - The Lycos corporation of Lycos Mass, makers of world-famous Lycos portals and search engines, announced today that they were immediately getting the flying fuck out of the loser portal and search engine business as fast as they could, and immediately getting the flying fuck into either the hot new digital furniture business or the cool new analog cola business. Whichever.

"After we finish getting the flying fuck out of this bogus loser piece of shit search engine business," said Lycos president, Joe Lycos, "we really want to immediately get the flying fuck into the hot or cool new furniture business. You know, there's, like, chairs and sofas and ottomans and dining room tables and uhhhhh, uhhhhh....."

Lycos seemed to lose it for a moment, apparently trying and failing to figure out what other kinds of furniture there were, but then got it back together enough to start speaking again, even though he still wasn't totally phased back in yet.

"However," he said, "as much as we really have furniture in our hearts and in our blood, we are being pressured by our way lame investors, or whoever, to go into the lucrative cola business, which we only have in our seminal vesicles, instead."

According to Lycos, their investors as well as their investors' maids and pimps, keep telling them how 'Lycos Cola' just sounds soooooooooo like something that everybody would just wanna immediately guzzle down gallons of non-stop, regardless of what it was or what it tasted like, or how many disgruntled employees at the Lycos bottling plant in New Brunswick, Maine, just happen to have taken a nice long piss into each and every one of the batches they mix there in the big vats where mostly sugar and Excite! food coloring and Inktomi desiccated rat turds are combined in a top secret formula that even the Infoseek Bottling Company and Intelligence Agency of Natick, Mass has, to date, been unable to reverse engineer.

Lycos seemed much more animated however, and even frothing at the mouth, when he explained how much more attractive the lucrative digital furniture business was, especially now that the new General Instruments and Scientific Atlanta set-top boxes could not only download e-books and TV schedules and e-mail, but could also download whole pieces of furniture as well as lighting and plumbing fixtures.

"Using this new Motorola technology which Motorola insists does not exist," said Lycos, "it is possible to download a small piano off the internet in about 10 minutes. A simple no-frills dining room table will download in about 4 minutes. A sofa in 6."

According to Lycos, the new patented furniture downloading protocol (FDP) works by emitting a thick black goo from the serial and parallel and USB ports and unused drive bays of your computer, as well as from the air vents of your monitor, and the "special windows keys" of your keyboard, which are really Trojan horses or Manchurian candidates planted there years ago in anticipation of this day.

The black goo apparently contains an aerosol sedative which immediately puts you to sleep and doesn't let you wake up till the piece of furniture you just ordered with a mouse click is completely assembled and so perfectly integrated into your so-called "living" space, that you barely notice it.

"The only drawback," said Lycos, "is that you will have to take massive doses of quaaludes and/or crystal meth in order to be able to see or use the pieces of furniture you have downloaded in this way, but that should be no problem, as apparently, you already need to take massive doses of quaaludes and/or crystal meth in order to be able to see or use anything in this fucking loser cosmos."

Wall Street analysts are in general agreement with Lycos that you will need to be on massive doses of some or all drugs before you will be able to tolerate either their or your own bullshit or the bullshit that is the unavoidable legacy of certain genes, neurotransmitters, and sub-atomic particles.


In a previous article, we stated that George Lucas had admitted that his new film "Star Wars Episode 1: the Phantom Menace," is an utter fucking worthless piece or shit.

However, a recent test by a well-known national independent testing laboratory has revealed that "Star Wars Episode 1: the Phantom Menace," though undeniably an utter fucking piece of shit, is, nonetheless not totally an utter fucking worthless piece of shit.

According to Rebecca Sunnybrook of Underwriters Lab, "Star Wars Episode 1: the Phantom Menace" is not totally worthless because if you, like, swallow Windex or Draino or something and need to "induce," you know, "vomiting" or whatever, then if you have a bootleg copy of "Star Wars Episode 1: the Phantom Menace" handy, and you put it on and watch it for only a minute or two, it just may save your life.

We regret any inconvenience or failure to save their lives that this error may have caused either, in alphabetical order, the Pope or Ted Turner.


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