Monday, May 18, 1998
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Bombs Away!!

The World - (May 18) - Hundred-megaton hydrogen bombs fell like rain, early this morning, as the nations and corporations of the world launched massive, all-out nuclear strikes against each other, apparently, just for, you know, the hell of it.

"Ehhh, this cosmos is a piece of shit, anyway," said Microsoft chairman and/or president or whatever, Bill Gates, as Microsoft-Boeing short-range MIRVs launched from secret silos in Seattle, were just starting to show up on Canadian and Siberian radar screens.

"Software's OVER!" he continued. "Media's OVER-saturated. And business is boring. And my 20 billion dollar Windows 98-controlled home SUCKS -- you know, security alarms and sirens are constantly going off in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, doors open and close by themselves, dishwashers and clothes dryers are always running with nothing in them, cars start up and drive away with no one at the wheel -- so why not pop off a couplea quick nukes. World culture, at this point, needs some kinda house-cleaning."

Indonesian strongman or whatever, Bob, or whoever, Suharto, agreed whole-heartedly with Gates, speaking just as his own nukes were busily steaming towards primary targets deep inside India, Pakistan, and China.

"Why not go the extra mile," said Suharto, "instead of sitting around saying things like 'Like, you know, like, why fucking bother?' An' all."

India, Pakistan, China and Indonesia are all, apparently, so-called "foreign countries," or something. A "foreign country" is, apparently, a place where, either they don't get MTV, or, if they do, it has to be "translated."

"Being translated" is apparently the process by which something in English is made totally weird sounding, so that people who hear it can basically think it means whatever the fuck they want it to mean, and, so, despite whatever it really meant in English in the first place, they can just totally ignore it and simply go on doing whatever the fuck they were doing before.

This is also know as "communication."

And according to a communication from the joint leaders of the world who are holding a joint conference somewhere but are smoking their heroin, nasally, off a pin, "The purpose of these massive nuclear strikes is not intended to show anger or piss anybody off, but is simply trying to send a message.

"And the message the world is apparently trying to send to itself is: 'Hey! Joe!'"

So, apparently, these massive nuclear strikes are not being launched with war-like intent, but simply because the so-called "leaders" of these so-called "foreign countries" are sick and tired of getting MTV all garbled up, and want to join the other super-power nations of the world who get MTV totally unadulterated.

And also, don't you think it's time they got a chance to be on Larry King or Geraldo, just like everybody else?

[Note: The so-called "the world" is apparently a place where it's all so big, that, apparently, if you want someone else to hear you there, you have to blow it the fuck up a few times, first. As a way of starting the conversation.]

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