Tuesday, May 20, 1997
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Robots Nabbed in Satanic Ritual

San Luis Obispo, CA - (May 20) - Several small, mobile industrial robots were arrested in a dawn raid, early this morning, with lamb's blood extruding from various of their robot orifices.

According to Lieutenant Rebecca Kramer, of the SLOPD, "These same people have perhaps possibly even consciously kinda, uh, you know, if you know what I mean."

Police were responding to reports that transcontinental airliners were using downtown San Luis Obispo as target practise for ostensibly accidentally stripped off random airplane doors, when they stumbled across the weird Satanic ritual.

"This weird satanic ritual," said Officer Kramer, "Apparently originated at the Cannes Film Festival, which closed yesterday -- or was it the day before?"

According to Kramer, the palme d'or, or greasy palm award, for best picture at Cannes by a director who did at least 500 hits of windowpane or whatever at the start of principal photography and didn't come down till the editing was done, was awarded to the hit Iranian film, "Gimme the Palme d'Or, You Buncha Frog Motherfucks, Or I'll Blow All Your Fucking Bourgeois Outdoor Cafes to Shit, If You Know What I Mean" a sensitive portrait of daily life in a rural Iranian province.

Officer Kramer attended Pulp High School, before beginning a career as an anchor at New London's "Acid TV" and her hobbies include being a shill for push technology.

"We need a FUCKING WAR." said Kramer, emphatically. "The Cold war is OVER! The Browsers War is OVER, and people need someone they wanna fucking KILL. If you know what I mean. In the absence of war, in the absence of a supreme object of hatred, people, will, ya know, start killing their stupid miserable kids -- you know, dressing them up as bitches and ho's and then fucking fucking them to death. Just for the entertainment value of watching the cops not be able to touch them [as they skip merrily on their way, leaving dead bodies strewn all over Telegraph Avenue]."

To demonstrate the great new features of push technology, Kramer grabbed a random passer-by out of the crowd and pushed him against the wall. "And don't lemme see you do that shit again, you scumbag!" Kramer screamed at the perp, then rifled his wallet and let him go.

"As I was saying," Kramer continued, "Even if no one on the planet gives a flaming, flying fuck about push technology, we MUST have a push technology war. Otherwise people will just fucking kill all their kids or vice versa -- and then there won't be a next generation for self-righteous soulless corporate shitbag parents to have to sacrifice their lives for, as well as the lives of billions of other, utterly innocent bystanders, who just somehow hadn't been so fucking peer pressured into feeling like they hadda have kids too."

In their defense, one of the apparently malfunctioning industrial robots, could only stammer, "Qinf NPVP +PHYS be a Occu giving NP to HUM owned PHYS hurting HUM taking NP to LOC took PHYS from HUM puking =PRESETWD buckets all over NP ate =PHYS Food wanted HUM to VP have PHYS thinking that SENT +HUM had PHYS giving HUM NP get PHYS from HUM to VP talk to HUM about NP appearing to be Qual made PHYS out of NP being ADJ want HUM to VP built ABSTR take PHYS knew about NP knew everything, or whatever."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F