Wednesday, May 20, 1998
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Publishers' Weakly
Be$t $eller$ Li$t
Week of: May 18, 1998

1 "D" is for DNA
by Sue Grapho-phonemics,
Seagrams Books 'n Booze, $28.73.
A young couple wakes up to find that DNA only existed "in their dreams," and so now they're stuck in a crappy world that doesn't even understand the fucking molecular basis of life, anymore. So, like, why even bother?
2 Red, Green and Blue
by Anna Noodlin,
Madonna's Gynecologist Books, $28.73.
An author writes a book about an author writing a book about an author writing a book about an author with writer's block, then goes out and shoots up a McDonald's or Howard Johnson's or something. Then, in prison, she invents the RGB color system and saves the world economy.
3 Some Lawyer Kinda Thing or Other
by John Grisham,
HarperShmarper, $28.73.

A lawyer draws up a contract, then draws up another contract, then makes a phone call, but the call is blocked cause the lawyer has his caller ID blocking on and the line of the person he's calling won't even ring if caller ID info on the incoming call is blocked -- so it's a stalemate and everybody just has to commit suicide or something.
4 "M" is for MTV
by Sue Slapshot,
Madonna's Baby Publishing, $28.73.

A so called "gen-Xer" watches MTV for 24 hours, then eats a hard-boiled egg.
5 "W" Is For Why Don't You All Just Go Blow Yourselves?
by Sue Peesacrapton,,
Stolichniya Publishing, $28.73.

A "mystery writer," approaching the end of the alphabet, realizes that "mysteries are for morons," and turns sullen, bitter and vindictive, and ends up eating nothing but ice cream.
6 Pander Dora
by Anna Fried Rice,
Smirnoff Entertainment, $28.73.

A vampire book writer, approaching the end of stupidity, realizes that "vampire books are for morons," and turns sullen, bitter and vindictive, and ends up eating nothing but ice cream.
7 That Damn Ass Gates!
by Robert Hioncrack,
Scribblers, $28.73.

A has-been author keeps writing the same book over and over again, but can't keep coming up with new titles each time and blames it all on the richest (but most spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually impoverished) man alive.
8 Midnight Basketball in the Garden of Good and Evil
by Oprah Winfrey with Samuel Beckett, HarperBudweiser, $28.73.

Even though it's midnight, a couplea so-called "Gen-Xers" get sick and tired of watching MTV, and go play midnight basketball in the so-called "garden of good and evil," rather than going out and robbing and killing hapless boomers and Gen-Yers.
9 "A" is for Another Crappy Detective Novel By Sue Grafton
by Sue Grafton's gynecologist,
HarperMiller, $28.73.

The true story of how the author of many crappy detective novels produces yet another crappy detective novel.
10 Spitting At Heaven
by James van Blaagh,
HarperAbsolut, $28.73.

A so-called "Gen-Xer" watches MTV for 24 hours, then lies on his back and tries to hock a logie that travels to the end of time.
11 Cokie Robert's Ashes
by Frank McCourtTV,
HarperTomCollins, $28.73.

The most boring, most mediocre so-called "journalist" ever named after the moron's drug-of-choice, is torched by a drunken has-been Irish "author" who's not only over-stayed his welcome on best-sellers lists and talk shows, but is now trying to bring the rest of his whole fucking loser family in on the deal, as well.
12 Hey, I Thought "N" Was For Ntomology (Sic), But I Was Wrong
by Sue Grafton,
HarperCrack, $28.73

A couple wakes up to find their hit novel, "Dial 'N' For Entomology," is being made into a film titled, against their wishes, "Dial 'S' For Eschatology," and, to balance off the karma of this, they help a has-been "detective novelist" realize that not only her life's work, but also her whole life itself, has been nothing but a fucking, self-righteous lie.
13 Cold Mountain
by Colin Harpers,
HarperSmack, $28.73.

A buncha so-called "Gen-Xers" gets sick of watching MTV, making cold calls, and cold-cocking each other, so they go climb a cold mountain, but then kill each other in cold blood when they get cold feet (cause they forgot to bring the heroin and would have to go cold turkey).
14 Memoirs of an MTV Boomer
by Irving LeJohn,
HarperCrank, $28.73.

A so-called "boomer" gets sick and tired of sitting around thinking about getting sick and retiring, so he goes out and meets a so-called "gen-Xer" and learns to sit around watching MTV.
15 Pissing At Heaven,
by Daniel Petrocelli
HarperCrystalMeth, $28.73.

A has-been trial lawyer discusses, in detail, the minutiae of petty mundane problems that prevented him from cashing in on the OJ book deal craze any sooner than this.

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