Wednesday, May 21, 1997
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Albert or Alpert Caught Sodomizing Gifford

Baja, CA - (May 21) - Marv Albert or Alpert, founder of "Marv Albert or Alpert and the Tijuana Brass," and "The Baja Marimba Band," was arrested ... or maybe indicted or charged or something, with, like, sodomizing or being sodomized by or whatever Kathie Lee Gifford, while Frank Gifford was sodomizing or being sodomized by, or whatever, Cathy Lee Crosby or Bing Crosby, simultaneously and somewhere nearby, though at an undisclosed location which was, nevertheless, picked up by brothel-cam: -- the cam that always just fucking happens to just be there whenever this week's fucking flavor-of-the-month celeb just happens to come staggering out of this week's flavor-of-the-month S&M transvestite brothel on the South side of Chicago or France.

Upon news of the indictment or whatever, Albert was immediately fired by his former employer NBC, where his Baja Marimba Band played "Take Me Out Of the Ball Game" during deathly boring lulls in the actual play of actual ball games.

However, according to a source close to Rupert Murdock, the Fox Network is already negotiating with Albert or Alpert to host their next true-life action show, "America's Scariest Blowjobs III."

In another sodomy-tinged story, communist or columnist or whatever, Peter Huber, a Pentium II-based replica of Alpha-60, running an early pre-alpha version of Rhapsody, claims there are three kinds of people on the web.

"There are 3 kinds of people on the web," said Huber, licking some stray flecks of crystal meth off his fingertips, "Utter assholes, utter fucking losers, and me."

Huber, constructed by the CIA in 1993 in order to help save the net from itself, and to preach righteousness and sodomy to the masses, further embellished his dazzling concept of, you know, how there's like three kinds of people on the net, "Utter Assholes, utter fucking losers, and [himself]," by saying, "The first type, the asshole, just kinda sits there and spreads 'em -- if you know what I mean. The second type, the loser, or was that the first type...?"

At that point, he paused for a moment, apparently overwhelmed by whole new streams of subtle and complex resonances emanating from the super-charged metaphors he'd created for the edification of the putrid seething masses of commonfolk and his colleagues at Wired. Maybe it was too much for them to handle at one time. Maybe it was too profound and would pop all their cerebral circuits and then there'd be nobody left to replace a bad memory chip in his CNS, if one blew.

"I'm sorry," he finally continued after a pause which had gone long enough for a slight din to have already started up in the audience, "I'm sorry, but there really is only one kind of person on the net. People like myself. Soulless robots with really creepy right-wing, pseudo-libertarian, capital-fascist agendas."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F