Friday, May 21, 1999
  Dostoyevsky announces new line of merchandise tie-ins
by HC

St. Petersburg, RU - (May 21) - Famous Russian author, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, joined American toy manufacturer, Hasbro, today in announcing a new line of spin-off merchandise derived from his hit novel, "Crime and Punishment," starring Ricky Martin, Gwynneth Paltrow and Cher.

"We think the Rashkolnikov "Pawnbroker-Killer" axe is gonna be one of the hot sellers this Christmas," said a smiling Hasbro president, Joe Hasbro, holding up a golden-edged axe with the words "Rashkolnikov did it" maniacally carved into handle. "This is an exact replica of the very axe drug-addled grad student, Rashkolnikov (Ricky Martin) used to kill the neighborhood pawnbroker/bookie (Cher) in a botched robbery attempt."

"We also expect," said Dostoyevsky, in between epileptic seizures, "my 'Notes from the Underground' Diseased Liver Breakfast, based on my hit novel 'Notes from the Underground,' to be a big seller at all participating McDonald's." And he held up and then passed around an actual official "Notes from the Underground" diseased liver, so everyone would know just who the fuck and what the fuck they were dealing with.

Other leading authors and filmmakers were also on hand at the American Merchandising convention in St. Petersburg, to announce new merchandising spin-offs based on their new smash hit films, books and/or plays.

Spanish director Luis Bunuel was there to announce a line of spin-off products from his hit film "Chien Andalou," and playfully tossed out 10-packs of "Chien Andalou" razorblades (available at fine drugstores everywhere) as he plugged his new "Chien Andalou" Slashed Eyeball Breakfast Shake, already being tried out by millions of unsuspecting customers at participating Burger Kings everywhere.

"Chinatown" screenwriter Robert Towne and Director Roman Polansky were there to announce the official "Chinatown" paste-on severely-bandaged nose, based on the severely bandaged nose that Jack Nicholson had to walk around with for most of "Chinatown."

Quentin Tarantino was also there pushing his new line of Quentin Tarantino inaction figures. You wind them up and they don't do a damn thing, motherfucker!

Director Martin Scorsese showed off his new Robert DeNiro "Taxi Driver" action figure along with an authentic scale model replica of Deniro's actual "Taxi Driver" taxi which plays the original Bernard Hermann "Taxi Driver" score as its pushed around.

Scorsese claimed that a Jody Foster 13-year old prostitute action figure was also being considered, but that plans had not yet been finalized.

George Lucas was there still trying to make some inroads with his new "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore" line of can openers and kitchen utensils.

Dennis Hopper tried to announce his new line of "Easy Rider" jeans and rolling papers, taken directly from his smash hit film "Easy Rider," but was shouted down by an angry mob.

Author William S. Burroughs announced his new line of "Naked Lunch" kiddie needles, syringes and tourniquets -- for ages 5-8.

Rebecca Kramer, author of the hit novel, "The Bible," was there showing off her new line of Revelations 4-Horsepower Apocalypse motor scooters.

William Shakesberg, author of the play "Macbeth," was showing off his new line of Macbeth Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble stirring spoons.

He also announced additional product tie-ins from some of his other hit plays, including the Merchant of Venice Pound O' Flesh paperweight, the Hamlet "Alas Poor Yorick"-skull keychain and the King Lear brand lear jet.

Stanley Kubrick introduced his new line of "2001: A Space Odyssey" mysterious floating black slabs, which many analysts predict will become more popular than the frisbee.

Stephen Spielberg was there hawking his official "Schindler's List" pad and pencil set.

Alfred Hitchcock of course showed off some new models in his popular long-running line of "Psycho" shower caps.

Director Milos Foreman, or whoever, introduced a line of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" official lobotomy certificates and paste-on lobotomy scars.

Playwright Arthur Miller was selling his official Willie Loman "Death of a Salesman" Sample Case.

Actor Marlon Brando was selling official "On the Waterfront" "I coulda been a contender!" tee-shirts, as well as souvenir "Apocalypse Now!" ulcers.

Author Franz Kafka announced that you'll never burn your fingers again, with his smart new official "Metamorphosis" roach clip.

And he also announced his new spin-off Franz Kafka Real Estate Agency, specializing in mostly castles and penal colonies.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC