Thursday, May 22, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Robot Ego Warriors Battle for Mass Market Bunghole

Redford, WA - (May 22) - The soulless robots at Microsoft announced today -- or was it yesterday? -- that their big, hard, steaming, throbbing robot cock of partnership was now firmly implanted deep in the stinking sacred gunmetal bungholes of many leading corporate shitbags with whom they will now proceed to deliver endless reams, as it were, of sodomy, adultery, perjury, child molestation, drug abuse, treason, and cold-blooded scumsucking murder -- regardless of whether they've already done so, ad nauseam, or not.

"This is a great day for all the motherfucking Nazi shitbags who collectively have sucked out the brains and souls of the slimy masses in the good clean name of market fascism," said one of the robot CEOs of one of America's leading shitbag corporations, the name of which was withheld pending notification of the next of kin of all the pathetic low-life losers it's had to accidentally reduce to pulp in its corporate juicers, in order to maintain its, you know, corporate momentum and revenue stream growth and keep its Board of Sodomizers happy.

"We're really excited about Putsch Technology," said a leading corporate shitbag CEO, "Especially when all we hear about are the millions and millions and billions of announcements of permutations of partnerings between and among all manner of leading corporate shitbags, in the name of ramming 'putsch technology' the fuck down everybody's cocksucking throats. If ya know what I mean."

Putsch or Push "technology," in case you just got back from 8 months in a space station, is a means by which "content" that is even more vapid, soulless and outright LAME, than what comes over TV, is forcibly "pushed" into all existing bandwidth and onto all remaining computer screens in the world, so there is finally no escape from the corporate mantra, "Eat our shit, give us all your fucking money, and then, shut the fuck up and die."

In a related story, the Netscape robot product emitter has just spit out the latest version of "web" or "net" or "commun" "-icator" or "-caster," or whatever, in order to try to beat Microsoft to Jim Jones' punch.

"OK, so maybe we are being forced into being corporate shitbags too," said Netscape CEO or whatever, Jim "Last Train to" Clarksdale, "And maybe we do just happen to be partnering up with all the slimy shitbags of the corporate world. But, despite all that, you've all gotta' know, that, at heart, we are not really corporate shitbags, and that, even if we do have to talk and act and behave and think and feel and fuck and lie and dream and hope and love like corporate shitbags, you know, WE ARE NOT CORPORATE SHITBAGS!! -- WE ARE DEVO!!"

"And even if we really are just soulless corporate robots, still, we are not as big a buncha soulless corporate robots as the soulless corporate robots at Microsoft -- so when it comes time to vote with your pocketbooks, I sincerely hope you will cast your money at us and our corporate shitbag partners, rather than at Microsoft and their corporate shitbag partners, who, it turns out anyway, are approximately the same as our corporate shitbag partners. So why fucking bother?"

In support of all the great new compelling content which will now become available to the average American loser, thanks to push technology, the First Lady, what's her name, has decided to either rename her last book, or name her next book, "It Takes a Corporate Shitbag."

And Peter Foobar, a Pentium-II-based robot telecom-pundit, announced today or was it yesterday, that his new book, "The "Corporate Shitbagization of the Unconscious," will be released tomorrow -- or was it today?


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F