Monday, May 24, 1999
  Dumbest damn thing EVER finally happens

by HC

Name Withheld, USA - (May 24) - Sources close to the event claim that, apparently, the long-awaited unquestionably most damn dumbest fucking thing EVER has finally occurred.

The long-awaited unquestionably most damn dumbest fucking thing EVER apparently occurred at an undisclosed location just outside another undisclosed location, early today or was it yesterday?

"This was just a dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb thing," said Poet Laureate, Robert Pinsky, concisely summing up the thoughts of a despondent nation, during its time of national how it only hurts when I breathe.

"It was very very very very very very very very dumb," said IBM president and CEO, Garth Register Jr, or somebody.

Unfortunately the event was apparently sooooooooo dumb, that no one will even say what it was -- on account of they're afraid that, just by talking about it, they'll look, like, all dumb an' all, too.

Not even dumb dumb dumb stupid dumb former dumbass stupidass dumb dumb Vice President dumb dumbass dumb stupidass stupid Dan Quayle would talk about it. Said dumb dumb dumb stupid stupid Quayle, "I am not so dumb, D - U - M - B, that I am gonna comment on the dumbest dumbest dumbest dumbest dumbest dumbest dumbest thing in the history of the world."

In fact, the event was apparently SO dumb, that no one will even give out its initials or say some clue like how it sounds like the name of something you reach for when they say "the following film contains scenes of gratuitous hocking up logies. Viewer depression is advised. Or digression. Whichever."

CIA adamantly denies any
knowledge of the CIA

Representatives of the CIA today adamantly denied any knowledge of knowing anything about the so-called "CIA" or any of its activities or functions or members or raisons d'etre or whether it even exists.

"Never heard of it," said CIA director, Joe Director, munching a suicide caplet brownie, when asked if he'd ever heard of the CIA.

Later, Director became testy at repeated accusations that, as usual, he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, or why, and denied categorically that he was convinced that they could rest assured that there was no possibility whatsoever that if the CIA existed, the CIA wouldn't not know about it, if you know what I mean.

"We have done a full computer search, and the name 'CIA' never occurs ANYWHERE in our CIA database," said Director Director, who noted that the speed of the search was somewhat impeded by the fact that the word "We" occurs over 768 billion times."

Star Trek or Wars fans disappointed on account of phantom penis is a No-show

Though accepting that, by definition, it would have been logically impossible, long-time Star Trek or Wars fans were still so crushed at never once seeing the much hyped "Phantom Penis" at any point during the first 4-hour showing of Star Trek or Wars Episode 1: the Phantom Penis, this past weekend, that they stormed out at the end, bought up all 60 million dollars worth of tickets with credit card numbers stolen off the internet, and then hid them in the International Space Station so that, despite record grosses "on paper," the success of the Phantom Penis' would be, on many levels, an utter fucking apparition.

Student proves need for sleep is a fuckin' lie, just like everything else

MIT undergrad, Rebecca Sunnybrook, has apparently proven, this weekend, that, much like the so-called subject matter of the courses whose finals she was cramming her ass off for at the time, the human need for sleep is an utter fucking unadulterated bogus flaming fucking LIE promulgated by the powerful to keep the masses unconscious and cowering under blankets.

Sunnybrook apparently stumbled on her discovery accidentally while staying up night after night on crystal meth and lab alcohol in order to cram for her Star Trek: Wrath of Khan final.

After going without sleep for over 150 consecutive hours, Sunnybrook was still apparently wide awake and alert enough to debunk both the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and the 2nd law of Thermodynamics, without even trying. Thereby proving her own hypothesis beyond any doubt, and virtually guaranteeing herself a trip to Sweden -- in a plastic bag.

Clinton Touts Importance of Touting the Importance of Things to Grambling Seniors

Speaking to the graduating class of Grambling University in Grambling, Iowa, President Clinton of the United States or someplace, yesterday, touted the importance of how important it was to go around touting the importance of things.

"If you do not go around always touting the importance of things," Clinton touted to the rapt audience, "then everybody will start going around all like how everything's just an utter fucking worthless load of utter fucking worthless bullshit, and then we will all be out of our cushy jobs of producing endless utter fucking worthless loads of utter fucking worthless bullshit."

The Grambling seniors, who were only there cause like 5 years ago they were really shit-faced when they applied and thought Grambling was a place where you learn how to play better poker and win more bets on wrestling matches, were politely attentive to the President's words, and almost no one made loud farting sounds or screamed, "ehhh, blow it out your ass," for almost the entire duration of the speech.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC