Monday, May 26, 1997
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Lost Word

San Diego, CA - (May 26) - Has-been kiddie-porn director, Francis Ford Spielberger's latest film, "Lost Word," or whatever, came out this weekend or last weekend or whenever.

Aside from being the usual kiddie-porn piece of shit everyone expected and craved, "Lost Word" is about the world's search for the one lost word that would make advertising go away.

By means of 10-million man-hours of special effects, Spielberger is able to, momentarily, create a world without advertising. But then, suddenly, someone like goofball actor, Jeff Goldberger, or somebody, says, "Please suck out my soul, I feel so empty," and then the world blows up almost immediately, cause no one can, like, fucking bear a world without advertising for even an instant.

In his own cutesy, kiddie, cornie, pornie kinda way, Spielberger is telling us, playfully, to "Just shut the fuck up and spread 'em!"

And, of course, it's all part of Spielberger's true brilliance and genius and what sucks us in, as it were, that the true nature and identity of "'em" is left totally up to the imagination of the viewer.

Lost World

France, this country in Europe that's best known for watching old Jerry Lewis movies, held an election today -- or was it yesterday?

And, according to sources inside France itself, somebody apparently won, or, if not, there will be some kind of runoff election, or second round or something, after which, whoever wins will be declared the winner and will get to select which Jerry Lewis movies everybody in France has to watch for the next 4 years. Cool. And hopefully, if France keeps up the good work, maybe some day it can have its very own late night TV talk show on Fox.

Adulteress Sky-diver Kills 6 or 7

Another in the now endless stream of flying, lying adulteresses, on Sunday, demonstrated the latest in avant-garde techniques for getting rid of, you know, all the fucking meat evidence from all your random leftover adulteries.

Rebecca Kramer, a 43-year old horse breeder and co-editor of "Women of Polo," from world suicide capital, Rancho Sante Fe, California, cleverly convinced all her fellow co-adulterer victims to, like, let bygones or whatever be bygones or whatever, and all go skydiving together to, like, bury the machete and just let it all hang, as it were, out.

"Man whatta buncha losers, those adulterers are," said Kramer, after the crash that killed all 6 or 7 of her most recent adultery partners. "All I hadda do was put the plane into a stall and jump out before anybody noticed. And now, all evidence of my seamy past lies, uh, mashed, in a potato field.

Apparently Kramer isn't even really into adultery or sky-diving, but figured it was a sure-fire way to get on CNN, which, in turn, was a sure fire way to get to fuck Jane Fonda or Ted Turner, which was, in turn, a sure-fire way to get a book deal and speaking tour as the sky-diving celebrity adulteress, and a spot on "America's Most Adulterous Celebrity Sky-diving Crashes," or "America's Most Celebrated Crashed Adulterous Sky-divers."

Poll Shows Even Utter Fucking Morons Know Push Is Shit

A recent poll showed that only 15% of Americans were able to hum or whistle even a few bars of "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida," while more than 80% knew that so-called "push technology" is a load of utter fucking bullshit.

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