Tuesday, May 26, 1998
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Geek Film Wins Palm Door

Cannes, FR - (May 26) - A buncha leading corporate slimeballs become sensitive poets and ride around in a Lexus, slowly eating the last Twinkie on earth and looking for mutant DNA cyborgs out to destroy humanity. But instead of finding them and cutting off their, you know, gonads or whatever, they wind up in the Quad City area, where they accidentally stumble on the great mystery that, according to CNN, lies locked up in its heart.

This is, apparently, the theme or plot or story of the winner of this year's prestigious Palm Door prize at the world-famous prestigious Cannes Film Festival, held each year in world-famous Cannes, France where, according to Time Magazine or Walter Cronkite, drunken, coked up, pissed-off celebs cavort naked on the beach, 24 hour a day, 7 days a week.

The prestigious so-called "Palm Door" prize is actually a prize made out of a door sculpted to look like a palm frond or, if not, then it's a palm frond sculpted to look exactly like, you know, one of the Doors -- and if you're lucky enough to win it, and the year you win it it's sculpted to look exactly like Jim Morrison, well then, you've just reached the pinnacle of all possible careers and might as well just resign or retire, on the spot.

Anyway, this year's Palm Door prize apparently looked exactly like Ray Manzarek, and so the winner, who was apparently a Geek or something, will have to keep struggling and ass-kissing for the rest of his or her tragic film-making career.

The prestigious Palm Door Prize Selection Committee, made up of Winona Ryder and some losers, also gave away the prestigious Camera Door prize. This so-called "prize" is actually a door that's actually made out of a camera, so when you open it or close it, it takes a picture. This is apparently a fad among people who have it, and they like to trade and exchange obscene photos taken in this manner, and have group shows at prestigious museums, or sell sit-coms about them to the WB Network, but only 6 shows get ordered -- and only as a summer replacement for "Buffy," or whoever.

Or, actually, the Camera Door Prize is really a Camera made out of a Door. So it takes, like, 2 or 3 people to carry it around, but when dickheads come up and ask "hey how come you're carrying that big stupid door around, ya buncha fuckin losers," you can be surreptitiously taking their pictures as they speak, and then staple them all together into a film and come back to Cannes next year and win next year's prestigious Camera Door prize with it, all over again, and so on, forever.

Anyway, towards the end of this year's winning film, titled either "Son of The Mechanical Moon," or "Disappearance Is the Best Charisma," or "Walk In, Piss On Everybody, And Leave," by the great Geek filmmaker, Werner Heisenberg, or whoever, towards the end of this film, suddenly, all the lead characters start having this blue or green light come out of their eyes and they're all carrying around these big machine guns for no reason. Periodically, blue streaks of light shoot through somebody's body and she falls on the ground and disappears. Then Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme show up, but instead of energy, they bring information: they tell everybody that, apparently, the last Twinkie on earth has not been eaten, after all. Apparently, there are more. They show them a map. The image freezes and the film ends with the title "To be continued...." and the credits roll over a song by the Beached Boys.

So, next year, remember to watch for "Son of The Mechanical Moon 2," or "Disappearance Is the Best Charisma 2," or "Walk in, Piss On Everybody, and Leave -- Again."

After the so-called "Door" prizes were awarded, the festival closed with a showing of the hit American film, "Gazillion," -- about a guy who suddenly gets a gazillion dollars from a lizard or something, and spends it all on taking a huge animatronic dump on, like, the whole fucking human race, or somebody.

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