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Friday, May 26, 2000
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"Missionary Position: Impossible!"

Apparently objects (and people) can be represented by images which are not really the objects (and people) they represent, but mere representations of them. Sounds too.

Apparently, also, these images of objects and people can be made to appear to do, over time, exactly what the objects and people they represent might actually do, over time.

When married to representations of the sounds that might be made by these people (and objects) doing what they might do over time, and occasionally adding sequences of pitches getting louder and softer in multiple timbres which either enhance or ironically contrast with the representations of the people and objects doing what they might normally do, a so-called "experience" is created which, though not being, in any way at all, what it represents, nonetheless is enough to force people to pretend to care about it for no logical reason.

Exact media duplications of these experiences which take advantage of representations of motion and sound in this way, are sent, each week, by big companies, and small companies too, to large rooms where people can come and have them for no logical reason except for the one about how man is just a bad habit that human nature has fallen into, and vice versa.

And, to everyone's unconscious silent dismay, this week is no exception and a number of representations of objects and people running their respective degrees of freedom with representations of their actual sounds and organized audible frequencies of dynamically modified amplitudes voiced in contrasting timbres over time to amplify emotional response, will be displayed by their big oligop distributing mamas, in thousands of big rooms with hundreds of seats each, all over the country or the world, and be flocked to by these dismayed masses, internally despairing unbeknownst to themselves and not even bothering to look, anymore, for any angry fix whatsoever in the junk sick night.

It is the purpose of this column, therefore, to assist the masses through their time of internal despair unbeknownst to themselves, by describing these representations of objects and people and sound as thoroughly as possible in advance, so that, uhhh, you know, some purpose or other will be served.

This week's representations of objects and people doing whatever they do accompanied by representations of the sounds they all ostensibly make, is, as follows: (Note: these representations are also given short quick designations composed of a sequence of no more than 27 words -- these designations appear immediately before each description below. The number preceding each designation has no meaning, and exists solely for the vulgar purpose of design.)

1. Missionary Position: Impossible

An actor, Tom Cruise, subsumes himself into the essence and being of a totally other person, not himself, so as to behave as that person would, or would have been scripted to behave by people more creative than he or she, in order to "star" in this representational experience. Though Tom Cruise is "acting" in order to be somebody else, he nevertheless looks and acts and talks and walks just like the real life person, the actor Tom Cruise, though, he says different things (if you bother to trace it all the way back to the semantic level).

An actress named something else, pretends to be someone else other than herself, too, and with the same result: the person she is "portraying" looks and acts and walks and talks just like she does in real life.

There are other actors too, and they do what actors do, as described above.

2. Mission Proctological

An object, in this case a proctoscope, invites a buncha fellow proctoscopes over to his underwater demolition derby where they exchange stories far into the morning of the next millennium about all the sundry and many proctos they have, you know, scoped.

3. Pissin' Impossible

An image of an actor, Bruce Willis or Puff Daddy, or whoever, and an image of an object, a urinal, are juxtaposed against a moonlit sky. Accompanying the resulting meta-image are fast sequences of high pitches proceeding at high volume in mostly the timbre generated by another object, the so-called violin, which is not, itself, part of the composite image of the actor and the object described above. This having the sound of an object not also visually in the representation, is sometimes referred to as "the magic" of Hollywood.

4. Miss Impossible

An actor plays a woman. The woman goes to where other actors also playing women all stand around with no kindsa clothing objects between their naked bodies and other actors' eyeballs. Eventually another actor, Bert Parks, hands one of the other actor women an object which is really just a buncha flowers, and then there is a sequence of pitches in an orchestral timbre, which makes little water drops fall from the eyes of the actor playing the woman who has just been given the buncha flowers object by the actor Bert Parks or the actor playing Bert Parks. (An adequate explanation of the concept "Bert Parks" what with it's being a so-called abstraction beyond people or objects, is likewise beyond the scope of this review, or, for that matter the scope of representations of people and objects with representations of the sounds they make, too.)

5. Fishin' Illogical

A buncha actors pretend to be a buncha morons (this is known as type casting) who go fishing for love in all the wrong places. 'Nuff said.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
In a recent study, 150,000 people were asked where they preferred to get their cherished insights. From informed sources like you and me, or by simply pulling whatever outta their own damn assholes. The above pie-chart neatly summarizes their findings.

Thumb and forefinger good for more than just talking rabbit shadows, MIT study finds

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