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"Missionary Position: Impossible!" Apparently objects (and people) can be represented by images which are not really the objects (and people) they represent, but mere representations of them. Sounds too. Apparently, also, these images of objects and people can be made to appear to do, over time, exactly what the objects and people they represent might actually do, over time. When married to representations of the sounds that might be made by these people (and objects) doing what they might do over time, and occasionally adding sequences of pitches getting louder and softer in multiple timbres which either enhance or ironically contrast with the representations of the people and objects doing what they might normally do, a so-called "experience" is created which, though not being, in any way at all, what it represents, nonetheless is enough to force people to pretend to care about it for no logical reason. Exact media duplications of these experiences which take advantage of representations of motion and sound in this way, are sent, each week, by big companies, and small companies too, to large rooms where people can come and have them for no logical reason except for the one about how man is just a bad habit that human nature has fallen into, and vice versa. And, to everyone's unconscious silent dismay, this week is no exception and a number of representations of objects and people running their respective degrees of freedom with representations of their actual sounds and organized audible frequencies of dynamically modified amplitudes voiced in contrasting timbres over time to amplify emotional response, will be displayed by their big oligop distributing mamas, in thousands of big rooms with hundreds of seats each, all over the country or the world, and be flocked to by these dismayed masses, internally despairing unbeknownst to themselves and not even bothering to look, anymore, for any angry fix whatsoever in the junk sick night. It is the purpose of this column, therefore, to assist the masses through their time of internal despair unbeknownst to themselves, by describing these representations of objects and people and sound as thoroughly as possible in advance, so that, uhhh, you know, some purpose or other will be served. This week's representations of objects and people doing whatever they do accompanied by representations of the sounds they all ostensibly make, is, as follows: (Note: these representations are also given short quick designations composed of a sequence of no more than 27 words -- these designations appear immediately before each description below. The number preceding each designation has no meaning, and exists solely for the vulgar purpose of design.) 1. Missionary Position: Impossible An actor, Tom Cruise, subsumes himself into the essence and being of a totally other person, not himself, so as to behave as that person would, or would have been scripted to behave by people more creative than he or she, in order to "star" in this representational experience. Though Tom Cruise is "acting" in order to be somebody else, he nevertheless looks and acts and talks and walks just like the real life person, the actor Tom Cruise, though, he says different things (if you bother to trace it all the way back to the semantic level). An actress named something else, pretends to be someone else other than herself, too, and with the same result: the person she is "portraying" looks and acts and walks and talks just like she does in real life. There are other actors too, and they do what actors do, as described above.
2. Mission Proctological
3. Pissin' Impossible
4. Miss Impossible
5. Fishin' Illogical
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